Page 22 of His Secret Highland Bride

“I don’t mean for you to be uncomfortable.”

“It’s actually better. After years of sleeping on the ground, the soft bed is strange.” It was a strangeness he was becoming accustomed to, but he wanted to reassure her that he was fine with the floor. The floor was safe. He wouldn’t be tempted to touch Lindsay while he dreamed of Maria.

Lindsay nodded. She was exhausted. “I’m sure you’re in pain from our ride,” he said. “I’ll brew you some willow bark tea and settle you in bed for the night. You still need your rest. Bess will be after me if I don’t make sure you get plenty of sleep.”

He went about starting a fire in the hearth and pushing the kettle over the flame as he sorted out the herbs his aunt had left for her. He sweetened the bitter concoction with a bit of honey and took it to where she was sitting on the edge of the bed. She still frowned at the taste. “I know it tastes awful, but it does help.”

She nodded and gulped it down as if wanting the task over with as quickly as possible. He pulled off her shoes and helped her back on the mattress, tucking the blanket around her. She closed her eyes, and he thought she had already fallen asleep as he settled in on his makeshift bed by the wall. He closed his eyes and was hoping sleep would come for him quickly so he’d not spend the rest of the night lying there thinking of her in his bed.

But the stillness of the room was interrupted by her soft voice.

“Shane?”

“Aye?”

“Who is Maria?”

Air hissed past his teeth as he breathed in. Just hearing her name spoken aloud in the darkness caused a flood of memories to sweep him away. No one had spoken her name in months. Ronan knew how much talking about her pained him and did his best to keep their conversations on other things. Perhaps that was not the best way to have handled it. He’d thought it was getting easier, but hearing Lindsay whisper her name tore the wound open again, and he feared he would not be able to stop the bleeding.

Still, Lindsay was waiting for an answer. She’d most likely heard him calling for Maria in his sleep. It was the only time he said it. He thought about snapping at her that it was none of her business. He wanted to tell her to leave it alone and never speak the name again.

Maybe it was all the truths he was already keeping from her that forced him to answer this one.

“She was my wife,” he said, surprised he’d managed to get the words past the lump burning in his throat. When she said nothing, he swallowed and continued. “It was my fault she died. I will never forgive myself.”

When the silence went on, he assumed she’d fallen asleep. Part of him hoped she’d fallen asleep as soon as she’d asked the question. He didn’t know why he’d shared so much. He’d not admitted his guilt to another soul until tonight.

While his insides felt raw and tender for saying the words aloud, he also felt stronger for having said them. When he fell asleep that night, he didn’t dream.

…

Shane had been married before. Lindsay lay in his bed still thinking of his words hours after his breathing had evened out and a soft snore drifted across to where she lay in shock.

He’d been married before, and he’d not mentioned it to her. His new wife.

It was clear from the strain she’d heard in his voice as he spoke the few words about Maria that Shane had loved her very much. And he’d been responsible for her death. Lindsay had not had the courage to ask anything else. She’d instead allowed the stillness of the room to grow until he’d fallen asleep.

She was exhausted from traveling and the excitement of the day, but sleep wouldn’t come now. She was busy thinking a hundred questions she wanted to ask him but feared she wouldn’t.

What had happened to Maria? How long were they married? How long ago did she die? Had they married for love? Did he sleep on the floor while she slept in his bed while they were together?

Lindsay thought she knew the answer to that. She hated the jealousy that wound up her spine at the thought of Shane loving this woman. His first wife.

It explained the shadow of pain and regret she sometimes saw haunting his face. He’d lost his wife, and he missed her. Hurt for her loss. Yet he’d married Lindsay to protect her. How much pain had she caused him today?

Tears gathered in her own eyes when she realized she’d married Shane hoping they might find more than an arrangement between them. She’d hoped, in time, they’d grow to love each other. But now she realized that could never be. For her husband was still in love with his Maria.

Chapter Nine

Shane woke to a dog snuffling around his face. He batted Tre away and rolled over on his side. No doubt she wanted to be let out to do her business. He realized he needed to do the same. Rubbing sleep from his eyes, he got to his feet, pulled his boots on, and grabbed up his plaid before heading for the door.

As he passed the bed, he saw Lindsay sleeping, her dark hair spread across the pillow like a banner flying in the breeze. How many times had he woken and seen Maria’s hair in the same way and thought the same thing?

Shaking his head and the thought away, he trudged for the door. As soon as it was opened wide enough, Tre burst through and dashed down the path. Shane went the opposite direction toward the river. After relieving himself, he tugged off his shirt and shucked his boots to wash. The water was frigid, as only snow melt can be. He’d grown soft while in the warmer climes of France and Spain.

Only as he stepped out and was shaking the water from his hair did he remember the fragment of a conversation last night between him and Lindsay. She’d asked him about Maria. And he’d told her. His body went even colder, and not because of the water. What if she asked him other things? Things he couldn’t speak of? Things that would break him completely?

He wasn’t ready.