Page 49 of Asystole

“I know. And I told you no. Now, let’s finish dinner so we can watch our movie.”

I do as he commands, feeling like shit that Chase not only had the thought to get me a gift, but found that gift… and I couldn’t even be bothered to get him a gift card.

I’ll make it up to him, I think to myself. I’ll cuddle him so hard during this movie he’ll feel like he’s being swaddled. All my discomfort, unease, and misplaced lust can take a hike, because Chase Matthews is getting all the cuddles he deserves this Christmas.

As soon as I’m done with my pizza, I put my feet back up on the ottoman like last time, and pat my lap.

“Come here,” I tell Chase.

He gets comfortable with one arm between my back and the couch, his head in my lap, and his other hand resting on my thigh. It’s the same way we’ve done it before, but it doesn’t feel like enough to show him my gratitude.

Knowing I’m about to torture myself, I tap his shoulder.

“Let me change positions really quick.”

Kicking the ottoman away, I stretch out on my side along the couch. Wrapping an arm around his waist, I pull Chase’s back to my chest, forcing him to match my position.

“I feel like Christmas calls for something special, so I’m going to be the big spoon, but I apologize in advance if a certain appendage gets the wrong idea,” I warn.

If Chase wants to snuggle, then dammit, I’ll be the best snuggler he’s ever had, but I’m also going to address the elephant in the room.

“No worries,” he says easily, just like always. “I know how dicks work. They try their hardest to sabotage you.”

I laugh because he’s not wrong.

Settling into a comfortable position is a challenge with both of us on our sides. At one point, Chase has to throw his foot on the floor as my arm tightens around his stomach to prevent him from rolling off the couch, which is too narrow for both of our bodies.

“I have an idea,” I say, moving out from behind Chase.

He sits up and lets me get into position on my back, slightly propped up by the pillow against the arm of the couch.

“Okay, now lie down,” I tell him.

“Dude, I’ll crush you,” he says, but he’s already climbing on top of me.

Chase is kind of on his side, kind of on his stomach, wedged into the back of the couch, with his head on my chest, an arm draped across my stomach, and a leg nestled between mine.

“Okay?” Chase asks as I do my best to cover us with his Christmas blanket.

“Okay,” I confirm in a strained whisper.

In this position, I can smell Chase’s shampoo and feel the rise and fall of his chest. I’m happy because I’m able to provide something that he’s clearly been missing, but I’m also being tortured by having a man in my arms who doesn’t want more than this.

I’m barely paying attention to the movie, lost in my thoughts, when Chase’s fucking phone rings again.

I swear to God, if that’s Kendra…

“Hanny!” Chase tries to yell in excitement, but his voice sounds like he just woke up. It’s full of gravel and is slightly deeper than usual.

Chase holds the phone out in front of him, and I watch as Hanlon’s face comes into view. Chase’s face and my torso fill the small screen in the corner, and Hanlon’s eyes grow wide.

“Ohmygod, you big baby! You still want Christmas cuddles?” Hanlon laughs into the phone, but there’s an edge to his voice that wasn’t there the last time I heard him through the speaker.

“One is never too old for Christmas cuddles. And you know damn well if you were here, I’d make you give them to me yourself.”

I deflate just a little, realizing I’m simply filling a gap. I mean, I know it’s not me Chase wants. Not beyond a friend, at least, but hearing yet another man say he’d pick Hanlon Winchester over me stings.

Hanlon’s a nice guy. But I’m starting to hate him a little more.