Page 28 of The Fall I Fell

Perhaps I will do it after all. Having no time left in my day to think about Dad and the house, and everything else that’s come with this divorce, sounds like a plan to me.

‘I’d catch you too, Ava,’ he says, without his usual teasing tone, and a lump forms in my throat.

Then, before I can reply, my brother looks at me with genuine pride. ‘I love watching you at the sewing machine, you know. It reminds me of Granny, and it’s like she’s still here when I hear it rumbling away in the next room.’

I hold him tighter, and he places a hand over mine. We don’t need words to know what the other is saying, we never have.

‘You wanna walk into town and get some chips?’ he asks. ‘This bus is taking an age, and I dread to think what Mum and Grandad have cooked for tea tonight.’

I nod enthusiastically, grateful at the prospect of not having ham, egg, and chips for the sixth night in a row.

Chapter 16

Three years ago

‘Not a chance you’re going to wear that?’ Alfie laughed as Jacob pulled on Granny’s wolf costume for the fourth year in a row.

Jacob shrugged, and I took a swig of my lemonade to combat the dryness in my throat. He just about managed to shove his mop of hair behind his wolf ears, but the trousers hung like pantaloons around his thighs. I could have sworn they still fit last Halloween, but even in the few weeks since summer ended and the October half term began, he seemed to have doubled in size. Will used to be the tallest, but when Jacob’s curls are at their most unruly, he pips him to the title.

I had to get Granny to add a little more room into my cat costume too. No matter how hard I tried to ignore the size of my chest, my t-shirts could no longer hide it, and the thought of drawing anyone’s attention towards me was enough to make me feel sick.

The Hope Farm Halloween party looked vastly different that year. Will swigged from a can of cider, and since the boys had all invited some friends from school and college, we shifted from apple bobbing in the kitchen to disco lights and a smoke machine in the barn. Hope sat curled up on my knee, miserable at the thought of sharing her home with anyone, let alone with all of the noise that hadn’t even reached its peak yet. Alfie was still tampering with the decorations and prepared his best chat up lines that summoned a gag from Lizzie every time he would say one out loud.

Sian had already been warned by Will to stay well away, but I could tell by the spread on the barn table that she couldn’t help herself and just had to leave some snacks out, even if it was just to soak up some of the booze Will and his friends were drinking.

‘Is she doing okay?’ Jacob drew in beside me to scratch Hope on her head and she purred against me in pleasure.

‘I think I might ask your mum if she can have a box in the kitchen just for tonight. She hasn’t stopped shaking.’ I almost wished that I too could stay in a box by the Hope Farm hearth that night. The thought of having to spend a whole evening around all the boys’ friends from school, and having not a clue what to say to any of them, didn’t bring me much excitement.

‘That doesn’t sound like a bad idea. Or … we bin off this party all together and just us three hide out in the treehouse until everyone’s gone.’

I could kiss him.

‘Jake!’ Will called out before we could escape. ‘The guys are here.’ Jacob gave me an apologetic grimace and mouthed a ‘sorry’ before answering his brother’s summons.

Deciding against waiting for an introduction, Hope and I snuck away before we could be spotted. After finding her a warm spot in the kitchen, I set her down and sat beside her for a moment.

‘I can do this,’ I said out loud to the scruffy ball of fur. ‘They’re friends with Jacob, how bad can they be?’ Hope purred in her box. ‘They are also friends with Will though, and one of him is enough.’

‘Who are you talking to?’ Lizzie startled me as she made her silent entrance into the room.

‘No one.’ I blushed, and she eyed me suspiciously.

‘I don’t know why you think talking to yourself is better than talking to your cat, but sure, let’s go with it.’ Her smile enveloped her eyes as she sat on the other side of Hope and ran a finger down her curled back.

‘I just wondered …’ she began, and I looked at her perplexed. ‘Well … it’s a bit silly, really …’

Lizzie was always so sure of herself, always said exactly what she was thinking. What could’ve possibly had her in such a muddle?

‘You okay?’ I asked.

She released a long breath at the sound of my voice.

‘I’m constantly surrounded by boys.’ Lizzie shook her head. ‘Which is fine if you need someone to climb a tree with and then jump down from the highest branch without worrying about any injury, but there are just some things that I can’t talk to them about.’ She plucked non-existent pieces of hay from her costume. She’d decided to come as a Jedi this year, hooded cloak, lightsabre and all. It was a rather interesting step up from the previous year, when she came as an apple core. No idea how she pulled it off with just handmade papier Mache but I think sometimes it’s best not to ask.

‘Well, I can’t say I’ll be much good to you either,’ I said, ‘but you know I’m always here to try, right?’

Lizzie reached over Hope’s box to clasp me by the hands. ‘Has Jacob told you about our Christmas prom?’