Page 44 of The Fall I Fell

Jacob ran a hand up his face, and he tugged at his hair with his fist as he tried to scramble for some words. ‘You—you’re upset because I didn’t tell all of Will’s mates that I’m in love with you?’

‘No, Jacob! I’m upset that you came all the way to London, and acted like I was a stranger. You wouldn’t talk to my friends, you didn’t care about my art show, you looked like you wished to be anywhere else. Then you acted like nothing was up, before switching up on me again on the beach. I can’t keep up! I don’t understand what’s happened to you.’

Though we’d spoken about it, and even though he’d apologised, I still hadn’t managed to shake London from my head. He made no effort to attempt to go out of his comfort zone, he had no open mind about coming into ‘my’ world. No, it’s like he assumed I’d always just fit into his small world.

‘What’s happened to me?’ He scoffed, his face so close to mine I could feel his breath fan across my cheeks. ‘Ava, you humiliated me in front of your friends, you lied to all of them. I came all the way to London to have to watch you cosy up to some pretty boy, accepting his flowers, and now you sit there and get off with some lad you’ve known for five seconds. I have no idea who you are any more.’

‘I humiliated you?’ The words sit like milk gone bad on my tongue as I spit them back at him. ‘You talked about my dreams as though I was a fool for even imagining that that could one day be my life. That just because I don’t want to spend my life in the same place I’ve grown up in, I’m wasting my time?’ I shook my head and stared him down. ‘And you don’t get to say a single thing about Adam when you sat there all night, all over Pen. Why even follow me when it’s clear you were hoping to get into her pants tonight?’

Jacob laughed, and shook his head. My phone buzzed loud enough for us both to hear and I fought the urge to lob it across the sand and leave it for the sea to wash away in the next tide.

‘You couldn’t be more wrong.’ His words dripped with venom, before he softened a little, and I could tell his heart was breaking. ‘Every chance you get, you remind me I’m not good enough, that all of this is not good enough.’ He had to clear his throat as it thickened with his emotions. ‘I am not, and I never will be enough for you. I’m just some kid that lives on a farm and is going nowhere, while you have the whole world at your feet. You’re waiting for something more exciting to come along, when I’m just waiting for you. You coming to stay is the only thing I look forward to, I live for those few days, or few weeks. But to you, I’m just some village idiot with no dreams, no wild aspirations. You have no space for me in your great plans, Ava – I’ve known that for long enough now.’

He took a step towards me, and I watched as his chest rose and fell rapidly with each of his heaving breaths. Instinctively, my hands went to his chest, but I couldn’t work out whether I wanted to push him away or draw him closer, so I held him there, feeling his heart beat pummelling against me.

‘But I’m just your “mate”. Why do you care?’ I whispered.

Jacob took another small step towards me and took my wrist in his hand. He was so close I could feel the heat of his body radiating against mine, as each of his breaths pushed him closer into me. I was pulled to him, my eyes drawn to his lips, my body only a hair away from his. He pressed his jaw together, and all I wanted to do was to sweep my finger along his chin and feel him relax into my touch. I wanted to press my lips to his, to twist my hand through the waves of his hair, to feel his hands on my body.

‘Ava?’ Callum’s voice came panicked through the darkness. Jacob drew away with an almost pained inhale of breath, and I whirled around to look for my brother, my heart knowing just from the sound of his voice that something was wrong.

When I reached him, his whole face was wet. His sweat had smeared with his tears until he looked like a vision of pain, illuminated by the moonlight. Before he said anything, he ran into me, locking his arms around me in a desperate embrace, like a child recently woken from a nightmare and needing to cling to the good of the real world.

‘Callum, what’s happened?’ I searched his face, my heart thumping so aggressively that the motion made me feel sick.

‘Mum’s been trying to call you.’ My stomach dropped. ‘It’s Granny.’

He didn’t have to say any more, just shake his head, and I collapsed into him. We both tumbled into the sand, clinging to each other so tightly as the world fell down around us.

The drive back to the farm was completely silent. Callum and I still clutched each other, crying silently. Will kept his eyes firmly on the road while Lizzie shivered, staring wide-eyed out of the window, unable to stop her own tears. Jacob sat pressed beside me, his pinky finger pressed against the side of my thigh to remind me he was there.

When we reached the farm, we didn’t say goodbye. Callum and I rushed in to find Mum sat at the kitchen table, her head in her hands. At the sound of our entry, she looked up, tears lit by the lamp linger in her lashes. She tried her best to smile, but before her lips could make a curve, she broke down into sobs.

Callum glanced at me before moving beside her and placing his hand on her shoulder.

‘I’m so sorry, kids. She’s gone.’

Chapter 23

Now

‘That has to be the last one, surely?’ Callum asks – practically begs – as he sets down another box of my designs, sweating from the weight of the pile of cotton.

‘Nope, there’s two more,’ Jacob answers for me as he comes in behind my brother, also weighed down by the masses of fabric he’s carried from his truck. Rain drips from his hairline and runs down his face but every single one of my pieces remains bone dry, as his coat is spread over the top of it.

‘Surely, you’re not going to fit all of it at this tiny table, Ava. Jeez.’ Callum looks at the modest set up that is supposed to be big enough for me to prove my worth as a designer – supposed to carry the weight of my future in fashion. I’m crammed into a small corner of the marquee they’ve set up in the town park with only a picnic table and two cork boards to fill. I’ve definitely gone overboard.

‘I thought it would be best to have plenty to choose from. I keep changing my mind on what I need to include. I don’t know if I should emphasise the technical elements, or overall design.’ I pace up and down the length of the table, tugging at my hair, hoping that any new sensation might kick my brain into gear. ‘Plus, how can I know what looks best against this backdrop without trying various combinations?’ The rain still hammers at the canvas marquee, each drop drumming through the space and filling me with dread.

‘Ava.’ Jacob takes my hands in his. ‘You’re going to be perfect. Stop overthinking it. You’ve done all of the hard work, now all you need to do is let everyone else see how brilliant you are.’

He holds me for a moment longer, raising an eyebrow as he awaits a reply, and when I reluctantly nod, he smiles, releases my hands, and paces out of the tent again to fetch the rest of my things.

Things have been strange since the night in the barn. We seem to have finally agreed on it out loud – that we’re friends. Best friends. But I fell asleep on his chest that night, and now he’s holding my hands. Does he do this with all of his friends? Would Pen be okay knowing what has passed between us? Where is the boundary? If I wasn’t so freaked out about this exhibition, maybe I’d be worrying about it all a little more, but right now, all I can focus on is which of my twenty designs, if any, are good enough to display.

‘He’s right, you know.’ Callum speaks up as he lifts one of the dresses that I made for Granny’s funeral out of the box. He can’t pull his eyes from it. ‘You’ve got a real talent Ava, and anyone with eyes will be able to see that. As much as I don’t want you to leave me and move across the continent, it’s where you belong, and no matter what happens here, you’ll get there.’

Tears well in my eyes. Callum has never been a typical brother – he’s always been kind, not the sort to tease me or pull my hair, but hearing him talk like this still feels like a novelty.