Page 7 of Rubbing One Out

Chapter 4

Ben woke to the sound of soft chanting, and once again, there were bloody chimes, but different from last night. Must be in the lane outside. He scowled. Had the local home store had a damned special on them, or what? It was only seven on a Saturday morning, and whoever was playing with them was an inconsiderate wanker.

He grunted and pulled his pillow over his head. Tess snored on beside him. “It’s not enough to have horses’ hooves, tractors, and bloody chatty cyclists passing by, now I’ve got some sort of Hare Krishna group outside?” he muttered. The chanting grew louder, and Ben frowned. It didn’t sound as if it were coming from outside, after all. It sounded suspiciously like someone was in the house. Downstairs in the lounge to be exact.

Unease meandered up Ben’s spine and laid insidious eggs in his brain. Surely that sexy guy from last night had been a dream, and he wasn’t still here. No, that couldn’t be. Ben must have left the TV on, and there was some sort of morning exercise routine going on.

He heaved a sigh of relief. That was it. Problem solved. He snuggled back into his duvet with a sigh. The chanting grew louder, and suddenly there was a loud crash.

“Frozen Satan on a flying pig,” a familiar voice shouted out on a snarl.

Ben couldn’t take it anymore. He bolted out of bed, pulled on his joggers—this time he wasn’t going to be showing all his bits—and dashed down the narrow stairs into the lounge. The sight that met his eyes was one he never could’ve imagined.

Daeliel lay, crumpled on the floor, his long legs twisted in a fashion Ben didn’t think was possible. He was overwhelmed by three facts.

1) Daeliel was still here.

2) He wore nothing but a tight pair of white, near see-through yoga pants.

3) A vase Ben had hated, but treasured for many years was now lying in several large pieces on the floor.

He moved over and picked up the bits. “What on earth did you do? And why the hell are you still here?”

Daeliel straightened himself out, puffing with exertion, then glared at Ben. “What part of ‘Hello. I’m a Djinn here to grant you two wishes’ do you not understand, you moronic son of a beaver? Until I grant you your wishes, I’m here to stay.”

Ben could only gape at Daeliel as he sprung off the yoga mat in one graceful move and reached for a small towel lying on the couch. The Djinn wiped the sweat from his face and flung the towel back down.

“Some clueless animal was making an infernal racket this morning, and I had no option but to leave my bed,” Daliel said waspishly. “You should shoot the damned thing.” He waved outside. “I saw it on the fence over there.”

Ben blinked at the thought of getting rid of Tricky Dicky. Christine would kill him if he did. She adored her rooster.

“That’s not happening,” he mumbled. Ben sank into the armchair and passed a hand across his eyes. “You were supposed to be a dream. Are you telling me this is all real?”

Daeliel picked up a bottle of water—Ben noticed it was the brand he bought, so it had come from his fridge—and drank thirstily. Despite his panic at being caught in a fairy tale, he still had the stones to admire the movement of Daeliel’s Adam’s apple as he chugged down the water, and the way a few stray drops lingered on his chin, then coyly dropped onto his hairless chest to linger there. Ben had never wanted to lick the water off someone as much as he did right now.

Setting the bottle down, Daeliel sighed. “A thousand times, yes. That’s my purpose. What you need to do is make those wishes quickly, and I can get back to my world.” He looked at Ben hopefully. “Do you want one of those wishes to be fixing that awful object you’re holding in your hands? Because I can do that. Then there’s only one more, and I can be on my way.”

Ben stared down sadly at the pieces in his hand. “This is a Clarice Cliff Newport pottery vase left to me by my mother when she died. Yes, it’s hideous, but it was hers.”

Daeliel blinked. “Your mother died? How awful. I’m so sorry.”

He sounded genuinely sympathetic, and Ben shrugged. “It was a long time ago. I was twenty-two. I don’t have much left to remind me of her.”

Daeliel came over to crouch before him. “I was trying to do a headstand scorpion, I have trouble with that yoga pose, and I lost my balance. My foot caught the vase on the table and, well, it fell off. I’m truly mortified.” He stood up swiftly, his crotch now alarmingly close to Ben’s line of sight. “Let me see what I can do. I suppose it isn’t fair to expect you to use one of your wishes when I’m the one who broke it.” He sounded surprised at his words, and Ben guessed that using one of his wishes would have suited his desire to hasten Daeliel’s path home.

The Djinn closed his eyes and seemed to be in a trance. His lips moved as if he were reciting something under his breath. A faint aura of pale lavender surrounded him, tendrils flicking out into the air and then being almost sucked back in. It was most unsettling. As was the fact Daeliel’s junk was enticingly close.

“It doesn’t matter.” Ben cleared his throat. “I can superglue it together.”

Daeliel went still, then opened one eye. “Superglue?”

Ben nodded. “Yeah. I can stick the pieces with it, so it’s whole again. It won’t be the same, but meh, it’s the memory that counts, right?”

Daeliel beamed at him and the lavender aura dissipated. “Splendid. I searched the annals for any precedence to giving a wish for free, and it can be done, but of course, it is frowned upon. Best not to annoy the authorities if we don’t have to.” He patted Ben on the shoulder and turned away. “I think I’ve done enough damage for one day. I’d better get changed.” He picked up his mat, rolled it up, and then headed towards the stairs.

Ben followed Daeliel, feeling distinctly out of sorts, and entered the spare bedroom after him. Once again, his senses were assaulted with something which surely couldn’t be. He stopped and stared in amazement at the kaleidoscope of colour and mayhem before him.

“How the fuck is this possible?” he muttered dazedly. “You couldn’t possibly have been shopping for all this stuff already.”