Page 60 of Grief & Glitter

His expression softened. “Come here.”

I crossed the room. Ryan shuffled back against the headboard, and I sat beside him. He immediately leaned into me, his head finding my shoulder, and I wrapped my arm around him. For a minute I said nothing, then I told him.

Not everything. Some things belonged to Noah, but I told him about Dad. About the three of us trying to claim responsibility for Ethan, about acceptance, about Noah saying he wanted his brother back.

“What did you say?” Ryan asked.

“That we start from here.”

He lifted his head. “That sounds very emotionally healthy.”

“Fuck off.”

“There he is.”

I kissed his forehead. “Dad says he likes you for me.”

Ryan dipped his head, a blush on his cheeks. “Cool,” he murmured. “I like him too.”

My phone buzzed, and I glanced at it. Noah.

NOAH: See you tomorrow?

GIDEON: I’ll be there.

I put the phone face down.

“That okay?” Ryan asked.

“Yeah.” I breathed out. “Actually, yeah.”

He kissed my shoulder, and we stayed like that until my leg went numb. Then Ryan shifted.

“I went to an NA meeting today.”

God, I’d left him alone in a hotel room while he fought to stay clean. “Did you need it?”

“Yes.” He paused. “No.” Another pause. “Yes, probably.”

I waited.

Ryan sighed. “I’ll always need it. You know that, right?” No drama in the way he said it, no embarrassment either. Just fact. “I’m clean,” he continued. “I’m doing good. Really good. But that doesn’t mean there’s going to be some magical day where I wake up and addiction isn’t part of me anymore.” His fingers tightened around mine.

“I know.” I paused, not entirely sure what to say. “So, um… how was it?”

Lame. So lame, Gideon.

“Okay. Different people. Different stories. Nobody knew me, which was weird.”

“Good weird?”

“Some of it.” He rested his head against my shoulder. “There was a guy who’d been clean for twelve years. Someone else had thirty days. One woman kept talking about how she’d stopped going to meetings for nearly two years because she thought she didn’t need them anymore.”

“And?”

“Turned out she did need them.” We went quiet, then Ryan said, “I miss my Rochester group though.”

I knew enough of the names now: Lyle, Rita, Trucker, Bobby Blue Hair, people I’d never really met but somehow knew anyway because they’d been part of Ryan getting himself back.