Page 48 of Finding Parker

“Are you in pain?” Parker asked.

“No. Jesus fucking Christ. I’m not in pain, Parker. I’m the opposite, I’m in love. I want to hug and kiss and lay with you in my arms, not wallow in non-existent grief. Please, for the love of God, stop. Accept the fact that I believe, and I truly do,” frustrated, I paused and ran my hands through my hair.

“My mother is in a better place. I know that sounds cheesy or cliché or whatever, but I believe that. I don’t believe it because it’s easy or because it’s a way for me to get by without coping with her death. I believe it because I believe it – deep down in my core of beliefs. Or whatever. Fuck. How about Downes and I go make you two grieving pricks a sandwich and get you another gallon of tea?” as I finished speaking, I realized I was standing again.

Parker and Kenton’s faces filled with shock, they sat with their mouths agape. Downes sat quietly, unsuccessfully fighting an urge to smile. Still rather frustrated, but feeling quite satisfied with my speech, I smiled, tilted my head, and tossed my hair. As I alternated glances between Kenton and Parker, I gripped the edge of the table with my hands and raised my eyebrows slowly.

Silence.

“Based on your silence, I assume we’re done with this discussion?” I asked as my eyes darted back and forth between Kenton and Parker.

Kenton stood slowly, rubbing his lower back as he appeared to wince in pain.

As he opened his arms, he smiled, “My back is killing me, come here and give me a hug, my dear,”

I stepped to where he stood and wrapped my arms around him. As he held me in his arms, a light citrus scent of his unidentifiable cologne filled my nostrils. He always smelled the same, clean and soft. After a long moment, he leaned away, kissed the top of my head, and pressed his hands against my shoulders.

“I love you, Victoria,” he said, smiling as he finished speaking.

“I love you too,” I replied.

And I truly did.

I lowered my face into his chest and allowed him to hold me again. I had truly come to love Kenton. He was an unselfish man with unselfish ways. According to Parker, Kenton had lived a miserable life of self-importance years ago. Now, however, no signs of his former life remained. His allowing Parker and me to come and go from his home as we wished provided me with a sense of satisfaction I had never previously known. As my relationship with Parker developed, Kenton’s home had slowly become my home away from home. Now, it seemed to be my only home. The view of the ocean was magnificent, and I frequently found comfort staring out into its endlessness.

As he held me in his arms, he rocked back and forth lightly on his heels. Slowly, my frustration faded away. Lost in the comfort of Kenton holding me, my breathing became shallow and without effort.

And my nostrils flared as the scent of the beach returned.

PARKER. Although I viewed my relationship with Victoria as being without fault, I found myself wanting more. The desire was not driven by greed or feeling of necessity for something I wasn’t receiving, but solely by my love for her and the gratification I felt in – and out of – her presence. I was beginning to wonder if the feelings which would have developed naturally were accelerated by the absence of her mother, and Victoria’s need for someone to accompany her through the course of merely living life.

Either way, I continued to feel as if what I was providing Victoria was insufficient. Feelings of inadequacy filled me in Victoria’s absence; and in her presence, I was fulfilled. I had truly come to believe living a life without her was not a viable option. Incapable of seeing much, if any, benefit from continuing at the pace we were currently living our life of love, I opted to sit with the man who had proven to have all of the answers, and speak freely.

“But I don’t want you to chastise me for my thoughts. I want to speak until I’ve exhausted myself before you chime in with whatever your beliefs may be, good or bad,” I sighed.

“Agreed, you have my word. Is everything okay, son?” Kenton asked.

“Yes, quite alright. Just let me think for a minute, I’m flustered and nervous,” I muttered as I pressed myself deeper into the loveseat.

I glanced around the room and thought of how to begin. The comfort I felt sitting in this room was unbelievable, especially considering the first time I entered it, I was afraid to even sit down. The same room where Kenton and I had shared our first sandwich together had become a second home for Victoria and me. Our invasion into Kenton’s home, albeit invited, caused me to consider recommending he replace his front door with a revolving one.

Kenton leaned into the arm of the overstuffed chair which was, in my mind at least, his. Everything else in the living quarters of his home had, over time, become ours. Looking around the room, gratitude for what our relationship had become filled me, and I smiled.

As I wallowed nervously in the seat, I remembered my grandmother’s advice.

If you have something you feel a need to say, simply say it. Anything more causes you to look foolish and indecisive.

“I want to marry Victoria,” I blurted.

That didn’t quite come out like I had planned.

Kenton jumped from his seat as if he’d been electrocuted.

Wait a minute, I need to back up, let me explain.

Almost immediately, he covered his mouth with his hand and began to bounce up and down. He resembled a four year old boy who desperately needed to pee and couldn’t find a place to do so. As he continued to bounce, his mouth still covered by his hand, I began to wonder if he was alright.

“Well, say something. Are you alright?” I asked as I sat up in the loveseat.