Page 23 of Nuts

“You’re the only single one at this table.”

“Single and happy.”

“Happy for now.”

“What the fu--” I caught myself midway through the word. “What does that mean?”

“You’re happy until one day you look around and you’re the only fifty-year-old single guy in the club. Then, there won’t be anyone to choose from except for a bunch of divorced fifty-year-old women who have developed a hatred for all the things you are, and a yearning for all the things you’re not.”

“I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, thank you.”

She shrugged. “Just going to get tougher the older you get.”

“Jesus.” I looked at Smokey. There was no way he put her up to it. I looked at Sandy. “Did you put her up to this? You and your estrogen overload?”

“Wasn’t me,” she said. “This is between you and her.”

Eddie had an opinion about everything, and wasn’t afraid to voice it. Depending on the topic of conversation, being on the receiving end of her tongue could be torture.

I pushed my plate to the side and looked at Eddie. “There’s a new girl at Davina’s. I’m taking her out. There. Happy now?”

She spit out a laugh. “You’re taking her out?” She looked at Smokey, let out a sigh, and then shot me her signature stink eye glare. “I know what that means.”

“You don’t know shit.”

“P-Nut!”

“Shit’s not a cussword.”

“If it can’t be said on the six o’clock news, it can’t be said here.”

I had no idea if they could say shit on the news, I didn’t watch the news. Based on Eddie’s glare, my guess was that I was wrong.

Again.

“I wasn’t aware. I’ll add it to the list.”

She rolled her eyes comically.

“My meat’s getting cold,” I said. “Let me finish my meal, and if I’m in the mood, we can talk about the waitress when I’m done.”

“I don’t want to talk about your next hookup, P-Nut. I was looking at the bigger picture.”

“I don’t want to hear about your hookups, either,” I said. “Let’s change the subject.”

Her eyes shot wide. “Richard and I aren’t hooking up. We’re hanging out.”

“Hooking up. Hanging out.” I poked a piece of steak in my mouth and shook my head. “I can’t keep up with what all these phrases mean. If we could use cusswords, I wouldn’t be so confused. Something to consider. The introduction of cusswords. You know, now that you’re a little older.”

“Hooking up is just. You know. You meet some skank at the bar and have sex. That’s a hook up.”

Smokey cocked an eyebrow. “Ed…”

Eddie’s head swiveled toward him. “Dad. Seriously? I’m just trying to explain something to your thick-skulled friend.”

She looked at me. “Hanging out is just getting to know someone. It’s the first stage of a relationship.”

“So, if I’m hanging out with someone, I’m not getting any. Right?”