Page 63 of The Man I Hate

“Sure,” he said snidely. “I’ll refrain from saying things like fuck and cocksucker.”

I smiled. “Thank you.”

He rolled his eyes. “Although I may be described as promiscuous, I’m not an addict when it comes to sex. Therefore, the lockdown hasn’t caused any problems in my sexual life. It’s—”

“Are you’re saying that you can abstain from having sex?”

His brows pinched together. “Absolutely.”

“For what length of time?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “A month?”

“A month?” I coughed. “I’m sure many in our audience would view a month without sex as standard relationship protocol. A normal breather between lovemaking sessions, if you will.”

He stared blankly at the camera. “A one-month dry spell is considered a breather?”

“For some?” I shrugged. “Sure.”

“I disagree. Let’s take a look at you for instance. You once went two years without sex. By my guess, you were pissed off at the male population in general. That wasn’t a breather.”

My face went flush. I’d forgotten that I shared that tidbit of information with him. My line of questioning was now off-course, and I’d become the butt of the joke. I was ready to end the interview and start talking about what we should order from Grubhub for lunch.

Discussing our favorite sushi sounded much better than delving into the reasons behind my 2-year hiatus from sex. I exhaled a breath of frustration and began to tell the condensed version.

“I wasn’t angry at the male population, in general,” I explained. “Just one of them, really. The subsequent ‘dry spell’ wasn’t a breather. It was a conscious decision I made not to have sex. My body, my decision.”

He twirled his index finger in a circular motion. “Moving on...”

It must not have been the answer he was hoping for. Based on his reluctance to attack me when he had an open door, I decided to continue with the interview.

“Starting the clock on your nineteenth birthday, what’s the longest period of time you’ve ever gone without masturbating?” I asked.

His face quickly filled the screen. “Say again?”

“Self-administered sexual gratification,” I said. “Masturbation. Pulling the proverbial pud. What’s the longest period of time you’ve gone without doing it?”

He leaned away from the camera. A serious look covered his face. “Thirteen weeks, I suppose.”

“Your response came without much thought,” I replied. “Is that a common period of abstinence for you?”

“That period of time was during basic training for the Marine Corps. It’s an easy one for me to remember.”

“What would an average period of abstinence be?”

“From masturbating?”

“Yes, we’re still on that subject.”

“9-1/2 hours,” he said flatly.

“Nine point five?” I chuckled. “That’s an interesting number. Care to elaborate?”

“Usually I do it before bed, and then again before I start my day. That’s two times during a period of 19 hours a day that I’m awake. As I can’t do it while sleeping, I’d say the average must come from the waking hours. 19 waking hours divided by 2 sessions equates to a nine- and one-half hour average.”

“You only sleep for 5 hours a night?”

“I never sleep more than 5 hours.”