Page 123 of Hard to Get

I nod miserably. “And I was determined that after that, I would never become my mother.”

“I know your mom hurt you when you were a kid,” Gracie says. “She let you down when you needed a mom. She was so focused on her own needs she didn’t see yours. And her needs… weren’t healthy.”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“You see that,” Gracie continues. “But you have to see you are not like your mother that way.”

My lips tremble and a tear squeezes from the corner of one eye. “I could be.”

Gracie shakes her head and Alexis and Lauren both murmur, “No.”

“Why do you think your mom was like that?” Lauren asks.

I’ve thought about this a lot. “She was afraid of being alone.”

“Why?”

“I think maybe it’s a lack of self-esteem.” I brush tears away. “Like she needed a man to feel complete. Like she wasn’t good enough if she was alone.”

“But you don’t feel that way. Do you?” Gracie asks.

“No.” I think more on that. “Absolutely not. I know who I am. I like myself. I believe in myself.”

“Maybe the difference between you and your mother is that she thinks she needs a man. You know you don’t need a man. But you want a man. You want Jayden.”

“I love my life. Although…” I hesitate. “There are moments when I think I might be missing something. Like at Harrison’s wedding, seeing him and Meredith so happy and in love gave me a little pang of… something. But it’s not something I need in my life.”

“There’s no shame in wanting it, though,” Gracie says. “We know there’s no shame in not finding love. Your mother doesn’t understand that. And we know there’s no shame in not even trying to find love.”

“Yeah,” I whisper. Because that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying not to find love, weird as that sounds.

“But…” She pauses, and I meet her eyes. “There’s also no shame in finding love.”

“You keep blowing me off.”

I open my mouth to object, then close it. I sigh. “I am.”

Troy leans in the doorway of my office. “We have to talk about this.”

“I know we do. Things have been busy.” He just doesn’t know what I’ve been busy with.

Also, I’m sad. I haven’t told him that, either.

“Okay, when? Let’s put it on our calendars. We need to make a decision about this.”

He’s pushing for a decision about which of the target companies we want to acquire. And he’s right, I’ve been avoiding the conversation. Not that I’m afraid of having it; but I’ve been working on an idea and I want to be able to lay it all out for him in a convincing way. I have a meeting on Monday that should hopefully give me the confidence to move forward.

I pull up my calendar on my computer. It’s Friday, so I’m looking at next week. I chew on my bottom lip. “How’s Tuesday morning for you?”

“I’ll check and let you know.”

“Okay.”

He leaves.

I hate this tension between us. We’re friends but we’re also business partners. This isn’t the first time we’ve had disagreements. We’ve managed to get through them in the past. We’ll get through this.

That night at home, I go into the spare bedroom to check out my orchids. I have to refill the water in the humidifier, then I check the soil in the pots to see how dry it is. Most shouldn’t need watering yet but the paphiopedilum need more water. They’re so pretty, a vibrant pink, the dorsal striped pink. I also have a beautiful bright-yellow/lime-green plant. The spotted one is kind of ugly but I take extra good care of it since it’s not as attractive as the others. The dendrobiums are gorgeous—taller with multiple blooms in chartreuse, white, and blush pink. I also have phalaenopsis orchids in shades of purple—orchid purple—yellow, white, and a rare blue one. I peer more closely at it.