Page 23 of A Mustang River Christmas

And he could understand the merit in living in this decade, just as he and Laney had discussed, but he also just felt like shit sometimes. Felt like he didn’t deserve to forget about the things that he had brought on his only child.

He had never planned on having kids, and then he’d done it young. And he’d done it wrong.

He pushed that thought to the side, something that was designed to punish him while he was living in a moment that actually felt decent.

But watching the kids look at the gingerbread house really did something to him.

And then Chloe walked out of the kitchen.

She smiled as she looked at the work that he and Laney were doing. “This is so beautiful. Dad, this is amazing.” She closed the space between them and hugged him, stretched up and kissed his cheek, and he felt...

Damn, he really didn’t deserve this.

“Thank you,” he said, his voice rough.

“I didn’t realize how much I missed this,” she said.

No. Of course she didn’t. Because it was part of something that was from so long ago, and there was this big barrier of bullshit between then and now.

But he realized something else too, looking at the wonder in her eyes.

She deserved to have this version of him back. This version of him that could make her this happy. She deserved to have a man that didn’t just live in his own dark past, determined to stay beneath the cloud of it so that he could remind himself every day of all the mistakes that he’d made.

She deserved a father who made her treats, and who lived firmly in the present, rather than continually going over and over the things that he’d done to her.

“I’m sorry for every Christmas I missed with you,” he said.

Laney looked between him and Chloe. He hadn’t meant to say that. But he wanted to come into the present. He really did. And he felt like she needed to know just how sorry he was first. Because one thing he would never do is act like it didn’t happen. One thing he would never do is minimize what he had put her through.

“Dad, I forgive you for that,” she said. “I really do. There’s a big difference between being a good person who did the wrong things, and being a bad person, who kind of is the wrong things. You’re a good person. And you’re a good dad.”

“But I need you to know how much I regret it.”

“But I don’t need you to,” she said. “I just like having you here with me now.”

He really didn’t know who he was without a punishment. And that was its own whole issue.

“I just need you to make this gingerbread house,” Chloe said. Then she gave him another hug, and turned back toward the kitchen.

“Sorry about that,” he said, blinking rapidly, turning his focus back to the work.

“There’s no need to apologize,” Laney said. “This is a lot. But she’s right. I mean, you have to let yourself live.”

Her words really sunk down beneath the surface of his skin.

He’d been in recovery. He’d found his way back to Chloe. He’d earned Melinda’s forgiveness. He’d started a new life with new friends, but he hadn’t forgiven himself.

He withheld it, in fact, like it was the thing keeping him on the straight and narrow.

He could give himself Chloe, because it was for her. Could work again to preserve a solid savings so that Chloe could do culinary school, so Chloe would always have support.

But when it came to his own life, he gave himself nothing.

Like giving himself even a moment of happiness might break everything he’d worked to rebuild.

But he would never make those mistakes again. Not because he was complacent. Because he had seen the consequences of his actions, and because he had decided that this life was worth holding on to.

Maybe holding back that forgiveness wasn’t helping him anymore. Maybe it was just keeping him from stepping into the best version of who he could be. And that did affect Chloe.