Page 13 of Paradigm

“We all know. We were there after it ended, and we’ve been there every day since, Arlowe. You’ve missed her from the moment you two said goodbye, or maybe even before that, when you knew you’d have to say goodbye.”

“Do you know how many times I have wished that I’d never met her?” she asked before she tipped the beer bottle back again and took another drink.

“You don’t mean that,” Enya replied.

“No, I do. I’ve thought that thousands of times over the years. What would’ve happened had we never met? If I had never laid eyes on her, fallen for her instantly, and then left her there.”

“Arlowe…”

“It was so real, Enya… But we were so young. I know most people would say that twenty-two isn’t that young, but it is when you think about it. She had her plan. I had mine. Those plans were going to take place on different continents, and we didn’t think that either of us should have to give that up, but we also didn’t even know how to try to be together. I remember telling myself that it would be five months. I told her that, too – at least, we’d have each other for five months. Then, those five months ended, and ever since, I’ve been wandering around, looking for my fucking heart because someone I met when I was twenty-two years old still has it. So… Yeah, sometimes, I wonder what my life would’ve been like had I never met her.”

“And when you wonder that, how does it feel?”

Arlow passed Enya the beer bottle and replied, “Worse somehow.”

“I really don’t understand this, Arlowe,” Enya said and took a drink. “None of us have wanted to push you because it’s your life, but you could have reached out to her, at least. Maybe you two could’ve made it work.”

Arlowe swallowed and said, “We agreed that we would give it time.”

“And you did. Now, it’s been years, and it’s the first contact. You could’ve at least answered the questions you’ve had about Eline and her life since.”

“No, I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because she asked me not to, okay?” she said a little louder than she’d intended and just as Sarai and Violet had entered the kitchen of the house they all used to share.

“What?” Sarai asked.

“You never told us that,” Violet added.

“It never mattered because I couldn’t handle knowing anyway. Look, I know you two met your girlfriends in Amsterdam, but it’s not the same situation. Violet, you and Stella hated each other back then. Maybe you could’ve been together and still would be today, but probably not, right?”

“Probably not, no,” Violet agreed as she sat in her old chair.

“And, Sarai, you had a little thing for Gabi, but she was only there for a weekend and had a plan of her own. So, you didn’t say anything to her, and she didn’t tell you about her little crush, either.”

“Yeah. So?”

“So, it’s not the same for me. I met her and fell in love. I had all that time with her, and I blew it because I couldn’t figure out a way to keep us together. She said as much in a letter that she wrote me that I read pretty much all the time. She couldn’t understand why I could solve problems in computer code, but that I couldn’t see us finding a way to make things work between us. She said she wanted me to stay away basically, and that if and when she was ready to reach out, she would. I waited, you guys. I waited for months. Then, years. I gave up and stopped waiting, but I’ve been trying to respect her wishes since the first time I read that letter.”

“Arlowe… You should’ve told us. We wouldn’t have given you a hard time,” Sarai said.

“It didn’t matter. I never thought I would hear from her again.”

“Well, you have. So, what are you going to do about it?” Violet asked.

“What can I do? I told her that she could reach out on social and that I’d give her my number. The ball is in her court now.”

“You should’ve asked her if she was single,” Enya suggested.

“Really? Just come out of the gate with that one?” she asked.

“Why not? It’s a pretty important question.”

“No, it’s not, because she still lives on another continent, and I live here.”

“Yes, but you’re not a college student on the verge of graduation anymore, and neither is she,” Sarai argued. “You could actually figure out how to see each other now. Plus, we’re in charge of the company we work at, so if you needed to take some time off or to work from there or something, I’m sure–”