Page 71 of Paradigm

“I know, but I’m trying to be optimistic.”

“I don’t need optimistic, Arlowe,” Eline stated. “I need to cry on my girlfriend’s shoulder while we figure out what to do if I have to move back to Holland.”

“Girlfriend?” Arlowe asked.

Eline shifted away from her, dropped her hand, and said, “Sorry. I just… Habit. I know we need to figure that out, too.”

“No, it’s okay,” she replied, moving closer and holding her hand out, trying to let Eline make the decision on them touching right now. “Eline, I want that. You know I do.”

“We shouldn’t.”

“Be together?”

“I might have to move. I’m going to try not to. I want to stay. God, Arlowe, all I could think about was you at first and how I don’t want to leave you, but then I realized that as different as this place is from home at times, I like it, and I don’t want to have to move, either. I want to stay.”

“Then, we’ll find a way.”

“How?” Eline asked and took her hand, entwining their fingers.

“I don’t know yet, but we will.”

Eline looked off toward the wall across from them and said, “Before I called you, I actually tried to call you.”

“What?”

“I went to call you once, but I couldn’t because I didn’t know what to say. I just started to cry. It took me a while to calm myself down. Then, I actually called you, but I started crying again right before you answered. I told you that I was staying… We were finally going to have this, Arlowe.” Eline squeezed her hand. “I didn’t mean to do this to you.”

“You didn’t do anything, Eline. You got laid off. That’s not your fault.”

“Is this what you felt like when you had to leave?”

“Babe…”

“No, I’m asking. I know we agreed to it and that I said I wasn’t angry anymore – I’m not – but is this what you felt like? Guilty?”

“Yes,” she admitted, letting go of Eline’s hand because she needed a little space at the moment. “About everything.”

“Everything?”

“What you’re feeling now: guilty because I had to leave and couldn’t stay, but also guilty that we started to begin with. I had no plans to date while I was there. I was going to maybe have a little fun and go out with a woman or two, but nothing serious. I wanted to focus on school and hanging out in a city I’d never been to, but that had been the extent of my planning. Then, I walked into that bookstore, and there you were. All of my stupid plans went out the window.” She chuckled. “Instantly, I prayed that you were into women, and I don’t pray. The way you looked at me told me that I had a chance, though, and we talked. I could’ve stopped it. I felt it right away, the connection between us, and I could’ve stopped what was going to happen next, but then we were walking around the city, sharing our first kiss, and having… other firsts.” Arlowe gave herself a moment. “Whenever I allowed myself to think about the future, I’d get upset because I should’ve stopped it, and I hadn’t. I fell for you right away, kept falling more in love with you every minute of every day, and then I had to see your face when I told you that I wasn’t sure it would work. I’d put that pain there, and I never forgave myself for doing that to you; for being so selfish.”

“Arlowe, you weren’t selfish. I fell in love with you, too. I knew you were leaving at the end of the year. I didn’t stop it, either.”

“I know, but I should have. I just couldn’t.”

“I didn’t want you to,” Eline stated, turning to face her on the sofa. “I wanted what we had. Even though it hurt more than anything when we didn’t have it anymore, I’d never give it up. Not for anything, Arlowe. I’d take all that pain any day because it meant we had all the love.”

“Me too. I wouldn’t change our time together. I just wish things would’ve ended differently, or not at all.”

“It hasn’t yet,” Eline said.

“And it doesn’t have to. There doesn’t have to be a yet, Eline. We can figure this out. I know you don’t want me to be optimistic right now, but I wasn’t before. When we were looking at living in different countries and how hard that would be, I wasn’t optimistic. I wanted to be. I wanted to have faith in us, and I didn’t because I didn’t have faith in myself, but I do now.”

“I don’t have much time. Once the visa expires, I have ten days before I have to leave.”

“Those things are for, like, a year, though, right?”

“No, they’re actually good for three years, but that’s only when you’re still employed at the company. I have sixty days from today, so fifty-nine days, really, to apply for an extension or get another job where a company will issue me a new visa.”