Page 84 of Paradigm

“Oh, Arlowe…” Violet said. “You know why she said no.”

“How do you know why she said no?” Sarai questioned.

“Sarai, had Gabi asked you to marry her a few weeks into seeing each other again, would you have said yes?”

“What? No, of course not. But Gabi and I didn’t date in Amsterdam. We knew each other for a weekend and texted after that. Those two were literally talking about getting married one day.”

“And they were twenty-two and only together for five months. All I’m saying is that it’s pretty fast after seeing each other again. Haven’t they only been on one date? I mean, have they even slept together again yet?” Violet asked.

“Hi! I’m right here.” Arlowe waved at both of them from across the table. “You don’t have to talk to me like I’m not. And for your information, no, we haven’t done that yet. Or, again, I guess. We’re waiting until we’re both ready.”

“Sure, but if you’re not ready for that yet, are you really ready to marry her?” Violet asked.

“Not everyone has sex before marriage, Vi,” Enya spoke up. “I’m not one of those people, and obviously Arlowe and Eline aren’t, either, because they’ve already done that, but–”

“We get it, Enya,” Arlowe interjected. “But thank you. And yes, maybe it’s fast, but we love each other.”

“You said that?”

“Sort of. I mean, she told me that she’s falling back in love with me, and I told her that I’m already in love with her again. Then, she asked if I thought we were meant to be and going to get married, and I said yes. She thinks those things, too. I know that I basically asked her in her living room, with no fanfare, and that I should have done it differently or later, but I don’t want her to go. I want her here. I want time with her where we’re not on the damn phone or FaceTime, trying to work out the time difference or make room for each other in our lives because we’re busy with work or other things that are around us while the other person is on the other side of the world.”

“How did you two leave it after she turned you down?” Sarai asked.

“We ate dinner and talked about everything other than the fact that I just asked the woman I love more than anything to marry me, and she turned me down.”

“So, it was an awkward night, then?” Enya asked.

“For a while, yeah,” Arlowe admitted. “We ate dinner and pretty much talked about nothing. She actually asked me about the weather because she hadn’t left her apartment all day. It reminded me a lot of the days leading up to me leaving back then, when we couldn’t talk about anything important because everything felt so awful and impending and doom, and everything bad in the world was headed right toward us, so we talked about the stupid weather and how many bicycles they’d clean out of the canals the next year.”

“You hated it,” Violet said.

“Yes, because it felt like we were about to say goodbye again. After dinner, it got a little better. We focused on the job thing and the whole extension process, but things were still awkward. It wasn’t until we went to bed that things seemed to be okay, or as okay as they could be,” she said and looked around the kitchen, seeing a few employees walk in and out. “I held her. She said that she wished she could say yes, but that she didn’t want our marriage to start off because we had to do it. She wanted us to want to do it, and I told her again that I do, but I know she’s right. I pictured myself asking her to marry me years ago, but we were in the magical winter wonderland of Amsterdam canals, and I had all these ideas. You know she loved NEMO because she’s a big nerd. Remember the science museum?”

“I remember,” Violet said.

“It has that whole outside seating that is at the top and makes you feel like you’re on top of the world. I thought about doing it there once. I thought about doing a canal cruise and asking her there, or even just while we were walking around, spontaneously getting down on one knee and asking her to spend her life with me. I had a dozen ideas, at least, and none of them were asking Eline to marry me in her living room because she’s about to get kicked out of the country.”

“It’s sweet, though, Arlowe. Even if it’s not one-hundred-percent for the right reasons, it’s still sweet,” Enya suggested. “You love her.”

“I got used to loving her without being able to love her. I could look at our old photos and videos, read the letters and notes we exchanged, wear her old shirts, and deal with the fact that she was probably lying next to someone else every night. It still hurt, and I thought it just always would, but that maybe one day, I’d meet someone who would make me feel at least some of what I felt for her, and it would be good. I could be happy with that. I know that I can’t now. No one else will ever be her, and she might have to leave. It’s actually pretty likely that she’ll have to go, at least for a little while.”

“Then, you’ll go there,” Sarai replied. “Arlowe, we can figure that part out. You can go to Amsterdam without a visa for up to ninety days every six months or something like that. Maybe it’s for longer; I don’t remember. And maybe she can come here once or twice, too, depending on how long she has to be there.”

“Yeah. Eventually, we’ll get her approved to work here,” Violet stated. “We might have to try a few times, but we won’t give up until she’s back here.”

“Thanks, guys,” Arlowe said. “I know I’ve been dominating the friend conversation a lot recently, and I wish I didn’t have to because Eline and I were just having the standard new beginning we both want so badly instead of this clusterfuck, but if any of you would like to maybe talk about something other than my possible new long-distance relationship, I’d be all right with that. I could use a little break, honestly.”

“I think I’m going to actually try,” Enya said.

“Try what?” she asked.

“Dating,” Enya replied.

“Really?” Sarai asked.

“I don’t know that I’ll get far, though. You know how I am. I want to find someone, but I get so caught up in my room, my office at home, or here, trying to learn a new language or make the product better. It’s hard to maintain something real with someone when I’d rather be in my room, staring at my note cards.”

“Maybe that’s because you haven’t met the right person yet,” Sarai suggested. “I basically had no hobbies and only worked until I met Gabs, but she got me to realize that some things could be more important than this place, and now, I put her first. I never did that before. Same for Violet. Right, Vi?”