Page 29 of Claim

“A drug. Looks like weed, wrecks you quicker.”

“Ah.”

“And don’t drink the hooch.”

“Hooch?”

“Homemade alcohol.”

“You really can get anything in here then?”

“If you got the cash, you can get whatever helps you pass the time.” I glanced at him. “If the cells have kettles, they can make anything. Nothing’s off-limits. Not even blowjobs.”

“I see.” He went still. Then nodded, filing that under things I was not prepared to know. Then, “What are you in for?”

“Remand.”

“You haven’t been tried yet, right?”

“Mm.”

“So what did you do?”

I looked down at him again. “Not what they say I did.”

His shoulders slumped.

I stared back at the ceiling. “But whatever…I ain’t a good man. And I deserve everything I get. Best you remember that.”

“Is that what you told… whoever you’ve got on the outside? The one you don’t want thinking about you?”

I closed my eyes. “Yeah.”

“Will the fights affect your case?”

“Probably.”

“So you should stay away, right? Keep your head down. For your chance of getting out.”

I laughed. It hurt.

“I ain’t getting out.” I balled my hands into fists. “That’s the point. I’m in here to rot or die. Maybe both. My defence stepped back. I’m in limbo. No one wants my case because it’s trouble. Complex.” I spat out the word the lawyers had given me as an excuse to throw me away.

I shut my eyes.

Of course I’d thought about the alternatives to dealing with this. Anyone would. Grass. Ask for protection. Say the right names, trade a version of the truth for a locked door and a plastic mattress. Except protection didn’t reach outside these walls. It didn’t follow phone calls, or school runs, or my sister’s front door. I didn’t get to un-say things once they were written down. And men like Cormac didn’t need me breathing to make a point.

Segregation wasn’t safety either. It was just a slower way of disappearing. Alone long enough, they’d decide I was unstable, unfit, expendable. And once you were marked like that, you never came back whole.

My family paid the price either way.

I opened my eyes again.

“I’m not meant to survive this. So who am I meant to behave for? Who benefits from me keeping my head down? Everyone’s better off out there without me. Especially Tristan. It’s all fucked.”

Christ. What had they given me in medical?

“The only thing I can do in here is be exactly who I am.” I clenched my jaw. “Remind them not to touch me. Not to test me. Same way they knew better on the outside.” I looked at him. “And without money or favours to buy that space, I’ve only got one way left.”