Page 68 of Under Fire in Big Sky

Autumn glanced between Chance and Takoda. “Would you excuse us? I need to talk to him privately.”

Both men got up to leave.

“Reach out to Orson,” Eli said. “Make it happen.”

Takoda grabbed his laptop, and they left the kitchen.

“Eli, sit down.”

“I don’t want to sit.” He needed to move, otherwise he was going to smash something, or put his fist through a wall.

Autumn pulled out a chair. “It wasn’t a suggestion,” she said, her brown eyes stern, and her tone brooked no argument. “Sit. Now.”

His muscles tightened, braced for the conversation he didn’t want to have. He plunked down into the chair. Anxiety flooded his nervous system at the prospect of Autumn using her forensic psychologist skills to poke around in his head.

“Explain to me why you’re willing to do the wrong thing, risk the lives of agents who are just like Olivia, for her speedy return. No threat was even made to her.”

“Because she’s everything. She means everything to me and I…” His throat tightened.

Autumn scooted another chair back and sat, facing him. “You what?”

“I’ve never told her that.” He drew a sharp breath. “Not the way she’s wanted.”

“Why not? Since I’ve known you, I haven’t even seen you look at another woman. When she’s in town, it’s like you can’t take your eyes off her, the two of you move in sync. After every big mission, you’re off to visit her. Or to take a trip together. You see each other about once a month now, right. So, what are you afraid of?”

Propping his elbows on his thighs, he dropped his head into his hands. “That if I tell her, I’ll lose her. Like everyone else in my life.” He didn’t need to get into his history. Autumn had slowly pieced it together over the past couple of years, asking well-timed questions here and there. “It’s like I’m cursed. Telling her would make it real, and then something will happen to her.”

“Childhood trauma, like parental loss, affects a person’s adult relationships. It can hinder a person’s ability to express their feelings in a healthy manner, leading to challenges in communication and interpersonal conflict,” she said, her tone patient.

Yeah, that sounded like him. “I suck at relationships. I have no idea how to give her what she needs. How to be a father. I can’t even keep her safe.”

“She’s pregnant?”

He nodded.

Autumn was quiet for a moment, calculating how to handle him. “No one picks up a guitar and simply knows how to play it. You get good at it through practice over time. Being in a relationship is the same. But people develop coping mechanisms. Sometimes they’re healthy. Sometimes detrimental to the growth that’s necessary. I’ve long suspected yours is suppressing emotion. Seeking distance from others to protect yourself from potential hurt.”

Sighing, he lifted his head. “It’s to protect her. Not myself.”

“You believe bad luck tied to you somehow makes you responsible for the danger that she’s in?”

“Yes. I do.” Then he shared what happened to his wife as proof. Something he never discussed with the team. Heat crept up his neck at sharing something so deeply personal.

He might not have told Olivia about his feelings for her that he’d been fighting, but he was neck-deep in emotional attachment. And she was paying for it nonetheless.

“I understand it can feel like the bad things that have happened to those you care about is your fault,” Autumn said. “But I want you to consider something. This mission isn’t yours. You didn’t bring Olivia into it. She brought you in.”

“And she’s nearly died several times as a result.”

“She has, even though you haven’t shared your feelings. Keeping her at a distance isn’t keeping her safe.”

“Maybe it is. Maybe it’s the reason she’s only been hurt and kidnapped, but is still alive,” he said, his voice a low, gravelly rasp, betraying the pain he usually kept locked away.

If he dared to tell Olivia how deeply he felt for her, it would leave her unprotected, exposed to the worst.

“You’re not the reason she’s in harm’s way. Her job is,” Autumn said. “But you are the reason she’s still alive. You saved her several times on this assignment. She would be dead if not for you, Eli. You rescued her from the fire at the hotel, and you disarmed the bomb at the carbon capture facility. I doubt if she had brought in some other Aegis agent as her backup, they would’ve been capable of doing either. I’d call that good luck. Not bad. Certainly not a curse. But a gift.”

“In the forest. I lost her.” He let Shepherd win another round. The guilt was eating him alive.