Page 21 of True Abandon

His head falls back on the pillow, and he looks up at the ceiling. He swallows, hard, and his Adam’s apple bobs.

“I don’t know.”

I cry out in exasperation. “Nine years I waited for an explanation, and this is what I get. You don’t know.”

His head rises. His eyes are glassy. “I mean it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I…I was an asshole.”

“No, you weren’t. That’s what I don’t understand. You were honest and good. You were my friend.”

“And you were mine.”

“Then why humiliate me?”

“Because I’m a selfish bastard, that’s why!” he shouts. “I showed my friends because the tape we made was hot. I uploaded it to my computer, and Chad asked if he could have a copy. I said no, but I let him watch it.”

“Why would you even show it to him?”

“I was eighteen and thought it was awesome to have this tape with my beautiful girl and he was my best friend. I never dreamed he would post it. I didn’t even know you could just upload things to the internet like that. I had no idea it would be all over the school.”

“You’re blaming this on Chad? He never should have had it in the first place.”

“I’m not…I’m not blaming Chad.” He winces, grabbing his side. “I’m blaming myself. God dammit, Triciana, listen to me.”

“Don’t call me by my given name. Only those I love can use it. You lost that right a long time ago!”

He flinches at my harsh words.

I take a few steps to the side and back, a mini pace in the room. “When the rumors started,” I begin, but then feel the heat of tears building behind my eyes. “The bullying, the teasing that followed. I had girls throwing trash at me, Jackson. Guys made lewd comments all day long. They had all seen me naked, viewed every crevice of my body in a way that was only meant for you. I received death threats from girls who thought the guy in the video was their boyfriend. The words were awful, but the touching—” I pause and close my eyes at the terrible memory, my mouth turning down in disgust. “I was followed home one day by a group of men. They cornered me, tried to lift my skirt, fondled my breasts. I don’t know if they were going to rape me or if they just thought touching was innocent fun. Thank God, I’ll never know because my dad drove by just in time. He saved me, and I had no choice, but to tell him about the tape.”

He curses under his breath. “I had no idea—“

“You want to know why I’m not a fighter? Because even with the ridicule and the heinous words thrown my way, with my parents choosing to pick up and leave our home to protect me, after all of that, it pales in comparison to knowing while that was going on, you were gone. You disappeared. My entire life imploded over the course of a week, and you did nothing.”

“I couldn’t do anything! I was away at school. By the time I realized how bad it was, it was too late. I tried to get to you, but you shut me out.”

“I was protecting you!” The tears fall in hot streams cascading down my cheeks. That damn sledgehammer pounding away on my wall, the pain rushing out. Hurt and anger pour down my face. “You were eighteen, Jax.”

His bloodshot eyes widen and his mouth parts. Watching the realization of what I’ve been protecting him from, after he did the worst to me, cross his face is more than I can bear.

I explain the past he so clearly hasn’t heard. “My dad said if you came within fifty yards of me, he’d have you arrested for statutory rape and distribution of child pornography. Your father offered us a half a million dollars to walk away.”

He has a look of disgust on his face. Whether it’s toward his parents or me, I can’t tell.

Whoever it’s for, I ignore it and continue. “I begged my parents to take the money. I told them if they took it, we could move to a new town. Start over.”

Jax held the handheld camera so you couldn’t see it was him in the video. If we took it to court, I’d have to testify he was the one who filmed and shared the tape. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t destroy his life like that.

And more importantly, I couldn’t do it to myself. Jax is the son of a senator. The news would have hit the papers. I was fine being the mysterious blonde. I didn’t need my name attached. I was already a laughing stock, locally. I saved myself from national shame.

I wanted to move on, and that’s what we did. My dad is the East Coast Director of a glass manufacturing company. It didn’t matter where he lived as long as he was in his territory. Their headquarters is in Connecticut, so we moved there, and the rest is history.

“It was smart to stay away from me. Turns out I wasn’t the honest and good guy you thought.” He turns his head toward the window and clenches his jaw. The only sound in the room is the pelting rain against the glass.

There’s a code orange coming over the loudspeaker and a shuffle of activity on the other side of the door. When the commotion dies down, I shift from one foot to the next and try my hardest not to breathe in the palpable tension in the room.

“So what did the doctor say?”

Jax blinks a few times. “Nothing. He said nothing.”