Page 56 of Bastard Bartender

I nod my head but say, “No,” which makes him laugh.

“There’s no reason to worry. It will be just fine. I promise.”

I take a big inhale. “But you can’t promise that, so don’t say things that you don’t know.”

“But I do know.”

I tilt my head, exasperated, and he grins.

“Look, I’ve already faced death head-on. I know what it’s like, only falling asleep out of pure exhaustion because you fear not waking up the next morning. That is hell. I know that for a fact. And I won’t ever let myself get to that point again. God had his opportunity to take me then, and he didn’t. He wanted me to live, and I’m going to spend every second that I can taking full advantage and reminding myself what it truly means to be alive.”

I can’t say a word as I stare into his eyes and let everything he said sink in. My heart aches, yet I understand. My soul hurts but also cheers for him. I’ve never been so torn with all different kinds of emotions running through me.

Nic squeezes my arms. “I’m going to be fine. Wait here, and I’ll see you in just a few minutes.” He leans in to kiss my cheek before running off to the waiting plane that’s loaded with people all connected to their instructors and him free as a bird.

I sit down on a ledge as I grip my stomach and focus on my breathing. I don’t understand why I’m so scared right now. I barely know the guy, yet that fear he explained is working its way up my body. I don’t know whether I need to throw up or grab a jacket because I’m suddenly freezing even though it’s May in the desert.

As the plane taxis, I drop my head back, take a deep breath, and say a prayer. If God saved him twice before, plus fifty jumps, I hope he’ll protect him again.

I sit in silence as every possible thing that could happen flashes through my mind. My eyes are glued to the sky even though I can barely see the plane anymore.

“Okay, they’ve reached altitude. Here they go!” I hear someone yell over the loudspeaker.

People around me cheer their excitement for their loved ones as tears fall down my face. I try to hide my emotions as I wait for what feels like the longest minutes of my life.

“Look up! You can see one coming now over toward the field,” someone announces.

I block the sun to see a speck in the air. I’m stuck like a deer in headlights. I want to look away, so I don’t see if something goes wrong, but at the same time, I can’t take my eyes off of the spec because I need to know everything’s fine. It’s so twisted that even I let out a laugh at my own stupidity of how worried I am.

The spec in the sky is tinier than a dot, and it’s followed by four more. They start to spread out, and every irrational thought runs through my mind.

What if the parachute doesn’t open?

What if the emergency oh-shit parachute doesn’t open?

What if the parachute opens and there’s a hole in it?

What if his parachute isn’t harnessed to him at all and just flies off his back while he’s flailing in the wind?

My hand is on my throat, and another is on my head, rubbing my very sweaty skin as I anxiously wait with jitters in my belly.

The dots are getting closer, looking more like people. No one’s parachute is open, and it’s freaking me out. My hand runs down the side of my face and over my eyes, but I realize that’s a terrible mistake because I need to keep my eyes open. It’s like my vision will catch them if they need to be held.

A parachute opens, and I gasp for breath. Another and then another, and I feel my body relax a bit.

Until I notice one that still hasn’t opened. There’s a faint sight of blue, and I remember that Nic was wearing blue Adidas pants. His parachute isn’t open yet, and he’s just falling.

My irrational fears don’t seem so crazy now. I start walking, pacing toward them as I call out, “Pull the lever!”

I know he can’t hear me, but goddamn it, I need him down on the ground … safe and alive.

I need him on the ground near and in my arms …

I need him on the ground because … fuck …

“I need him.”

Just as the words come out of my mouth, his parachute opens, billowing in the air and bursting like a rocket, pulling him farther away and then steadying him to float through the air, unlike my erratic heart.