Page 95 of Bastard Bartender

“Jesus, Nic, you’re too damn prideful to admit when you’re wrong. You’d rather act like you didn’t just let an amazing woman walk out of here than sink your teeth into the fact that you are panicking that she’ll never walk back in here.”

“This isn’t the time, Logan.”

“You have this delusion that makes you think being in love means losing your sense of adventure or your social life, so you gravitate to these casual relationships. Mario says it’s because you’re a Gemini, but I know you’re just scared of giving too much of yourself away.”

“You done there, Dr. Phil?”

“I sat in that waiting room with her all night. I saw her. I saw a woman who was absolutely beside herself, having no idea if the man she loved was even alive. Someone that invested doesn’t turn their back easily. Let me ask you this: how would you feel if she were the one in here, unresponsive, not knowing if she was going to wake up from a near-fatal blow to the head?”

I have an image of Evette lying here, her nimble body defenseless in a bed with wires and tubes, casts and cuts. The thought makes me sick. I have to clench my chest to control the way my body feels like I’m going to explode. The blood pressure cuff goes off, and I know it’s going to register off the chart as the heart monitor is beeping fast and loud.

I tighten my jaw and look up at the ceiling before closing my eyes. “I’d lose my mind.”

The emotion running through me is the exact reason why I’ve never let someone in. My entire life, I’ve watched my parents worry about me and if I was going to be okay. I’ve stayed up many nights, listening to my mother cry and my father try to console her. I knew my death would be the end of her existence as well.

My youth was spent convincing everyone I was happy when I was terrified, brave when I was frightened. The only thing that truly scared me about dying was never seeing my parents again. I vowed to myself that I would never get close enough to someone where that fear of losing them was so painful, so raw, that I couldn’t go on with my own life.

That gut-wrenching fear is something I have protected myself from.

I open my eyes and find Logan staring at me.

“Figure anything out there in that head of yours?” he asks.

I sigh and hit the button on that drip again. Maybe I’ll get so high that I won’t remember any of this. Perhaps the nurse can give me a sleeping pill.

Logan leans forward with his arms outstretched. “It’s okay to not have a death wish at every turn in your life. There are plenty of other ways to feel that high while not putting yourself in harm’s way.”

A flash image of Evette sprawled out on her bed with her legs spread wide as I hover above her comes to my mind. Her gasps still ring in my ears, and I can feel the way her fingers clawed at my back as those gorgeous eyes burned into me.

“You’re thinking about sex right now, aren’t you?” he guesses correctly. “And not just any sex. You’re thinking about Evette.”

I feel my face flush, and I run a hand over my jaw. What the fuck am I? A sixteen-year-old guy?

He goes into earth-body-spirit-teacher mode. “Don’t be ashamed. There’s a reason they call it making love. When you’re just fooling around, it’s good, but it’s just plain screwing. A good time, and then you’re out. No big deal. Onto the next. But when it’s real, it’s something indescribable. That’s what you had with Evette, and it transpired outside of the bedroom. Evette is the first woman I’ve seen you with where I could tell she was different than the others. Shit, I knew it the second you brought her to the driving experience. You two clicked.”

I shake my head, remembering the way her face lit up when I slammed on the gas. I don’t even remember why I invited her. It just felt right.

She’s easy to talk to, easy to be around. Has been since that first introduction at the bar. I’ll never forget how beautiful she looked with those almond-shaped blue eyes and the sexiest bow mouth I’ve ever seen. It wasn’t just her beauty that did it for me. Her personality was addictive. I couldn’t leave her and her friend alone.

I meant what I said to her that night. Looks attract, but the mind is what keeps us intrigued. When you find the whole package, you want every piece of it. Once I had a taste, it was a slow addiction, and I couldn’t shake the habit.

That night I played pool with her had my head twisted for days. I’d walked over, thinking it would be cool to play a round. When I put my hands on her for the first time, I felt this heaviness in my chest that almost made it hard to breathe—only in a good way.

I’ve been attracted to women, but it was always a sexual thing. With Evette, it felt good, just holding her. Of course, I still wanted to fuck her, but it was different.

It was exactly what Logan just explained.

I close my eyes and let out a breath.

“I hate to tell you, man, but you’re in love with her,” he says.

I raise my eyebrows to him with a shake of my head. This is all too much for one day.

* * *

“Mijo, what are you doing up? You’re supposed to be resting.” My mother shoos me back to the couch, where I’ve been laid up for two weeks.

After I woke up from my accident, I spent one more night in the hospital and then checked myself out of there. I can heal some fractures and a broken arm from the comfort of my house. I’ve spent too many years in hospitals to want to spend one second more there than I have to.