Page 33 of The Haunting Plot

“Shit! Fuck. No!” I scream as I grab my dick and try to point it down, but there’s a plastic layer preventing that from happening. What the fuck? Did someone wrap this toilet in… “Raven!”

Her muffled laugh sounds from behind the bathroom door. “Did you forget how toilets work?”

Pee is still going everywhere. She’s pumped me so full of water and lemonade that I can’t stop the stream. I look around, desperate for a towel or something to catch the liquid, but there’s nothing. Before I can think better of it, I make a fist and punch the plastic between my legs, clipping my left testicle in the process.

I let out a guttural wail as I try to break through the plastic, but it’s no use. Is this industrial-strength cellophane? I manage to make a dent in the plastic wrap, creating a bowl, and I point my dick into it, filling it quickly.

“Need any help in there?”

“Did you wrap the toilet in plastic wrap?”

“Did you pretend that Tic Tacs were your teeth?”

Touché. Even though my pants are covered in pee, along with the floor, I can’t help but laugh. She probably expects me to get mad or yell, but it’s just a little pee. Or a lot of pee. Either way, it’s fixable. I have a boy with ADHD who can’t sit still long enough to pee in a toilet without making a mess. I know how to clean a bathroom, and sitting down to pee normally makes that easier. “I hope you have some towels to clean this up with.”

The door opens and shuts so quickly, I barely have time to catch the roll of paper towels hurled at me. “Cleaner is under the sink.”

Once I clean up my mess, I emerge from the bathroom holding my soiled pants. By some miracle, my boxers remained dry.

“Where are your pants?” a voice snaps from behind me.

I whip around and flash Raven a smile. “They got wet during your little prank. Mind if I do a quick load of laundry?”

“Help yourself.” She motions for me to follow her. I start the washer and head towards the stairs when her voice stops me. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“I need to finish the demo before Jonah gets home. I still need to cut some lumber to frame the door, and the saw is loud.”

“You’re not going back to work dressed like Pooh.”

My face scrunches. “Pooh?”

“Winnie the Pooh.” She points to my lower half. “You know, because he only wore clothes on his top half.”

“And because of my belly?” I lift my shirt and wiggle it and don’t miss the way her eyes track the movement. Is she actually attracted to my stomach? I figured she was just fucking with me earlier.

“That’s not what I meant. I didn’t make that connection. Pooh is pantsless. You’re pantsless. That’s all I meant.” Her eyes roam down to my exposed legs, and I revel in the way she’s drinking me in. Does she know how hard she’s staring? “You can’t work like that. It’s⁠—”

“Distracting?” I finish for her.

“A safety issue.” My chest deflates a little. Did I read her leering incorrectly? “I still have some of Kris’s old pants. I moved them to this house for storage.”

I think Kris is her late husband, but I lift an eyebrow and wait for her to share more. She motions for me to follow her to her room. She’s done a lot to the space since I was last in here. “I like what you’ve done with the place. All the pillows.” I gesture around awkwardly. “Not sure about the candles, though.”

Her head spins to look at me. “I’m not lighting them. I learned that lesson. They’re purely decorative.” She doesn’t look at me as she speaks while digging through boxes in her closet.

“So who’s Kris?” I ask, swinging my arms as I try to dispel my nervous energy.

“Kris was my husband. He died about two years ago. But he was thinner than you. And shorter. And into men.”

I nearly choke on my saliva as I cough. “Come again?”

Her head shoots up. “I can’t believe I told you that. Forget I told you that.” She thrusts a pair of gray sweatpants at me.

I hold up the comically small pants. I’m a large man, and there’s no way my thighs will squeeze into these, but I sit on the bed, pulling them on. When I stand to tug them up the rest of the way, they get stuck on my thighs. Raven chuckles behind me.

“I don’t think those fit.”

“Ya think?”