Page 55 of Good Vampires Go to Heaven

Aaarrgh! This is not going well. If it were anyone but Michael saying that, she would show him just how snarky she could be.

“I rather like her snarkiness,” Zeb inserted.

Huh? She gave the dumb man a disbelieving look.

“See?” Michael tossed his hands in the air in a voilà manner.

Regina really, really, really wanted to tell three people what they could do with themselves and their opinions. Well, not people precisely. A lackwit ex-demon vampire, a lackwit vampire angel, and a lackwit archangel.

Realizing his mistake, Zeb tried another tactic. “It is a moot point, anyhow. I’m already married.”

“Not anymore,” Michael snapped. Realizing the callousness of his response, he added, more softly, “Thy wife and children are in a good place, Zebulan. Even if I allowed you to die right now, thou would not be joining them. Thou would be sent to another place.”

“Hell?” Zeb asked, suddenly ashen-faced.

“No, not Hell. Purgatory. Or perhaps Tranquility.” Michael didn’t explain, and Regina wasn’t sure if Zeb knew that Tranquility was the place dead vangels went, when they passed before their sentence was completed.

Was that another good sign? That Michael might place Zeb in a vangel place? Maybe.

Zeb was still not convinced. “Besides, I was planning to become a priest if I were made a vangel.”

Vikar glanced sideways at Zeb with an incredulous expression.

Regina groaned. She’d told Zeb not to try that ploy with Michael.

In fact, Michael laughed. “So, thou were planning a celibate life?”

“Yes!” Zeb said quickly, thinking he’d won this battle.

Hah! He didn’t know Michael.

“Are you sure thou art not a Viking?” Michael asked in that disdainful tone he usually reserved for Vikings. Then he turned to her. “And thou sayest that relations with a man . . . with Zebulan . . . would be repugnant to you?”

Well, not repugnant with Zeb, exactly. Just not welcome. Still, she gave a blanket “Yes.”

“See?” Michael said, as if everything was going according to plan. “A perfect solution. A celibate marriage. The best kind. Holy matrimony.”

Whaaat?

“Oh, please, can’t you reconsider? This is not a good idea,” Regina pleaded.

“C’mon, are you serious?” Zeb scoffed.

Maybe Zeb was right about Michael not being serious. Maybe this was an archangel joke. A celestial Candid Camera moment.

No such luck. Michael didn’t crack a smile.

Meanwhile, Vikar was bent over laughing. “Perfect, Michael, perfect! A demon-vangel union. I can’t wait to tell my brothers.”

“So, it is decided,” Michael said with satisfaction, glancing first at Zeb and then her. “Consider thyselves betrothed.”

Regina and Zeb were stunned into silence.

Vikar was still chuckling.

“We will have the wedding after this war against Jasper and the Lucipires is settled.”

“Does that mean we will be successful?” Vikar asked hopefully.