Page 9 of A Tale of Two Vikings

“Not Toste. Vagn,” he corrected her.

Gorm waved a hand airily, persisting in his delusion, “’Tis Toste. Do not listen to him.”

“You have kidnapped Toste Ivarsson?” The woman was as stubborn in her blindness as her father.

“I’m Vagn, I tell you.” Are these people hard of hearing?

“Not kidnapped, rescued,” Gorm said.

“Then why am I tied to this pallet? Why is my body racked with pain? Why does my head ache so? Why am I dying of thirst? Why is my bladder about to explode? I am a prisoner.” Well, all right, Gorm did do everything in his power to save me before making me his prisoner, but that is beside the point.

“Why…is…he…here?” Helga asked her father through gritted teeth.

Yea, Gorm, tell her why I am here, you gruel-for-brains.

“Dearest Helga, may I present your bridegroom?” Gorm announced cheerily, as if handing her sweetmeats on a platter.

Helga made a most unflattering snort of disgust.

Now, Vagn was not pleased about Gorm’s marriage plans, either, but he thought he deserved more than a snort of disgust. Methinks I may have been insulted here.

“Have you lost your mind?” Helga asked her father.

“You do not want to wed with me?” Vagn asked with wounded pride. Lackwit, lackwit, lackwit!

“Have you lost your mind, too?” Helga asked him.

“Possibly.” Absolutely.

“I have told you way too many times, Father. I do not intend to wed. Why will you not listen to me?”

“’Tis unnatural,” her father said.

“Do you think ’tis unnatural?” she asked Vagn.

Well, seeing as how I have no intention of marrying, either, ’tis a difficult question to answer.

“Don’t bother answering,” she said with a sneer. “You men always stick together. You think women should be sheep and follow after the nearest ram. You want us to submit to your greater intellect. Hah! You strut about with that dangly part betwixt your legs and think it makes you superior, when in fact it just makes you look silly.”

“I ne’er likened myself to a ram,” Vagn remarked with a laugh. “Although I do baaaaaa on occasion.” Did she really say “dangly part”? I do not have a dangly manpart. Mine is quite…un-dangly.

She gave him a glower that pretty much said she’d like to ram him with something. Holy Thunder, the woman did have a mouth on her.

I like it.

In fact, I like her.

Mayhap…

Nay.

But what if…?

Nay, nay, nay, I cannot be thinking such nonsense. My injuries must have affected my brain.

What would Toste say to all this?

Vagn thought only a second before deciding that Toste would probably tell him to go with his instincts. “What is her bride price?” he asked Gorm, not that it mattered one whit.