Page 21 of Awaken My Heart

I look at my oldest son realizing how what I said must have sounded to him. “Grady, I wouldn’t change a thing. It happened the way it needed to.”

He swallows thickly. “I know that. Mom knew that too.”

“Did she?” I ask the question automatically, but immediately regret it.

Because I don’t talk like this with my kids. I don’t share this kind of thing with anyone, let alone them. It’s my job to reassure them. Not the other way around.

But Grady seems to know exactly what I meant, even though it’s not a topic I’ve ever broached before.

“Of course you resented it sometimes. Me. Her. You’d have to be a goddam saint not to have felt that way. Every parent resents their kids at some point.”

I release a watery laugh. “I don’t think she did.”

“Bullshit. Mom was no saint. She’d wanted to go to college, remember? She used to talk about that. How she would have gotten her teaching certificate?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“If she mentioned that when I was old enough to remember, there’s no way it didn’t come with resentment towards me and the rest of us kids. You think I haven’t resented the shit out of Taylor occasionally? Because I have.

“So many damn times. That kid is my life now. Well, her and Jess. Resenting her doesn’t mean she’s not the path I would have chosen over and over. Life is all about making choices. You chose the life you lead. When mom died, you chose to dedicate yourself to raising us kids. You were at every game, every performance, every parent/teacher meeting. You were both mom and dad for us.

“Raising us the way you did was a testament to how much you loved mom. She knew that. We all did.”

I nod. “You remember how she used to talk about a soul whisper?”

Grady smiles fondly. “Yeah. It was her term for soulmates, right?”

“I suppose. But she always said it about a heart finding its other half. Only two halves make a whole. That’s a mathematical equation. I don’t know how to reconcile any of this with the way I’m feeling about Emma.”

“So more than dirty, back-scratching sex?” he asks, then shudders. “I’m gonna need to bleach my brain after this conversation.”

“Yeah. Much more.”

“Okay, then, forget about math. Mom’s theory isn’t a scientific fact. It’s not something physicists are discussing. Who’s not to say that when she died, she took her half of your heart, leaving you with a big ass hole?”

“I suppose you could be right,” I admit. “All I know for sure is that the moment I laid eyes on this woman, something inside me shifted. I thought maybe it was just the fifteen years of celibacy.” I shake my head. “Now, I’m not so sure. She’s this brilliant light, daring to shine brighter than anyone else in the room. Daring everyone to look at her. She’s magnetic, intoxicating.” I glance at Grady. “I sound like an idiot, don’t I?”

“Not at all. The first moment I saw Jess it felt like the tectonic plates had moved, that the Earth was reorienting itself into a new configuration. I didn’t even know her name at the time. Sometimes that’s just the way it happens.”

“With your mother, we’d known each other since we were children. She grew up before my eyes and all my boyish affection for her turned to teenage lust. Then we got married and started our family, and grown-up love filled us up. That’s the only way I know how to fall in love.”

I don’t say anything else on the subject, partly because I’m not going to discuss my sex life with my son and partly because I just don’t know how to put it into words.

Sex with Lisa was good, I’m not saying it wasn’t. But the intimacy built slowly over time. It took me years to learn her body. And it was always colored by our friendship and the pureness of our young love. It was sweet and reverent.

This thing with Emma is completely different. Carnal and desperate. Primitive in a way I didn’t know I had the capacity to feel. Insatiable.

It’s a good thing that Grady seems to support the idea of me being in a relationship with Emma, because I don’t know that I could stop now even if he and the rest of the kids didn’t approve.

Still, I owe it to them and to her to make sure they’re all on board with the idea.

“Call your siblings here. We need a family meeting. I’ll finish getting dressed.”

Half an hour later, my kids are gathered around the old breakfast nook table watching me pace the length of the galley kitchen.

“Uh, Daddy, is everything okay?” Daphne asks.

I brace my hands on my hips and look at all of their faces. “How would y’all feel if I started dating?”