Page 1 of Feel Me

1

SURVIVING

OLIVIA

I look at the clock and sigh when I realize it’s just after two in the afternoon. The day is dragging. I was hoping it was later. I admit, I have my favorite parts of the day. Early mornings are the worst. Yet, mostly I look forward to the night. When it’s night, I can live inside my dreams. The pain is somewhat manageable that way. It’s only then that I am in Bear’s arms. He’s holding me as if I’m the only person in the world, and for that brief respite, life is good again. The past never happened. My world didn’t end. Life has a purpose.

And then I wake up.

For six months now, I’ve been at the Black Stone Ranch. I work at the campground office. I enjoy it. I get to meet new people, and although the work is easy, it’s constant and keeps my mind busy—which is exactly how I like it.

There are days I feel almost normal—like I’m not the woman living out of a cage and used as a chew toy for a rabid motorcycle gang that needed to be put down. Then, there are days where I question everything and wonder if my brother is truly dead. They did DNA and said the charred body from the explosion was him, but I can’t help but worry that it wasn’t and someday he’ll come to drag me back into hell with him.

Today falls roughly between all of that chaos. Where I’m not panicking and looking over my shoulder, yet at the same time, I can’t help but remember the past. I’ve worked since four this morning filing and cleaning the office. I’m not supposed to clean this place. They have a service that they use. I can’t resist though. Cleaning keeps my mind busy.

In six months, I’ve made progress—at least that’s what they tell me. I guess in some ways I have. I function normally now. I still have panic attacks, though there are fewer of them. Winnie—my former therapist and now bestie—was right about feeling safe here at Black Stone. I do. Yet, I still stumble at times. It’s the weirdest thing. Occasionally, all the ranch hands gather here for a cookout or similar event. I attend only because Deb and Lisa insist on it. When I’m there, I listen to the ranch hands laughing and enjoying the dinner. Yet, my attention always settles on one man.

Lake.

I’ve never really seen him, just the back of him mostly—sometimes a profile. Still, when he says something, he sounds so much like Bear that I’m instantly transported back in time. Realistically, I know it can’t be him. It’s just not possible. I held Bear while he died. Douglas pulled him out of the cage and even stabbed him one final time while taunting me. Bear’s gone. Still, that voice being so similar is enough to send me hurling. I’ve always managed to make it to my cabin before I completely lose it, but it’s close.

“What are you thinking about so intently?”

I turn my attention back to my cell pressed against my ear. I’d completely forgotten about it. That’s another issue I have. My mind can wonder and everything around me ceases to exist for the most part. “Nothing much. I just have a lot on my mind today—none of it meaningful. I’m just a little overwhelmed.”

“I’m sorry. You should call me when you’re like this. I’d love it. Besides, I don’t get to see you as much since you fired me as your therapist.”

I roll my eyes and snort. “I didn’t fire you. I just needed a change. We’re so close, even you admitted you couldn’t be entirely impartial these days. Plus, it’s weird. A lot of what I need to work through is my relationship with Bear and Blade. I don’t want to talk to my therapist about my ex—especially if that ex is now her whole life,” I laugh.

“Oh, please. I’m the best one to talk to about him. I know what an asshole he can be.”

We both chuckle at her answer, and I rub the back of my neck. I can feel a migraine starting to form and that’s the last thing I need today. “Stop. You know what I mean. It’s just easier. I still tell you everything we discuss,” I laugh.

“I know. I’m just giving you a hard time. Do you want to come to dinner this Saturday? Hangman is coming. He’s supposed to bring Sunny and Dakota,” she adds. I know she’s mentioning Hangman because, other than Cross, he’s one of the Saint’s Outlaws MC members that I’m closest to. He’s the acting President and the main one in charge. After Blade—Bear’s brother—was released from jail, he decided to separate his life from the club. It’s a role that Bear wanted for his brother, CEO of the club’s biggest moneymaker, the Golden Hawk Casino and Resort. It’s more than a full-time job, and Blade has been doing great. Bear would be proud of him. Because of that decision, Hangman took the presidency of the club, but left it open for Blade to take over if he changed his mind.

It’s strange how everything has worked out. I never imagined the man I once saw as mine for life would now be with my best friend. Then again, therapy has helped me realize one thing.

I may not have died physically while being a captive of my brother and his club. I still died, though. The Olivia I was before ceased to exist. I’m different now and I have to grow into this new life. Slowly, I think I’m doing that. At least I hope I am.

“I can’t,” I explain to Winnie.

“Why not?” she asks, clearly not happy.

“Carson, Coop, and Colt are having this big event and training weekend for the nation’s top bodyguards. It’s all hands on deck. They want me to help in the kitchen, and after dinner I’m going to take care of Claire.”

“Now I’m jealous of you. Lisa and Carson’s daughter is absolutely beautiful.”

“She is,” I murmur, a familiar ache in my chest.

“I could always tell Blade he’s on his own and come to you so I can help with the baby.”

I laugh, knowing Winnie has baby fever. They’re not trying, but only because Winnie said she had to be smart and take her time to get to know Blade. I know it will happen sooner rather than later, though. Those two are too much in love.

“Sorry, but Cross is staying over, and he’ll be helping.”

“He’s staying there a lot. Is there something going on with you two that I should know about?”

“Stop. Cross is like a second father to me. He loves spending time with me, and he adores Claire.”