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The blade slashes through my skin. Vertical lines. The song is still playing. The cold tiles are not cold anymore, and for the first time in a while, a tear falls down on my cheek.

The monster should be gone now…

I wrote letters. One for Milo. One for Edna and one for Hayzel. Nothing for my dad. But none of them explain what I feel. Sometimes you just have to stop trying to find words to explain something that is just in your brain.

Maybe I do deserve all of this.

Blood is everywhere around me.

Make it silent, and painless.

I miss my mom. I miss myself. I miss not being born at all.

My head falls to the ground, hair sticking up with the blood and I cry until my body is cold.

“Where are you my beautiful girl?”

I hear Edna’s voice, but I can’t react. I don’t have the energy for that.

End it before she finds me. End it.

The door of the bathroom opens and the scream that leaves her mouth wakes me up almost.

“Mireya… oh no no no…”

She has Milo in her arms, facing the room instead of me. She sets him in my bed I think, because I can hear him call my name. Sissy. Sissy. Sissy.

The bathroom door closes behind her when she comes in. Why is she panicking? Do I look sadder now that I decided to leave?

Everything happens quickly. Her hand behind my head, the towel she used to stop the bleeding. The tears and screams that she tried to stop.

“Don’t.. don’t help me,” I beg. Pushing her away with no force in my shoves.

“You’re bleeding… gosh what happened? My little Reya…"

Stop helping. Please. Let me, let me make that choice.

Let me go.

I find the last drop of strength in me to talk, to scare her away. “I don’t want to be here, please leave. Take Milo. Please.”

“You can’t, baby. You have an entire life ahead of you. Listen to me.” Her hands wrap tightly around my wrist but I can’t think.

Tears are cascading down my cheeks. Dad is going to be happier. He needs me gone to be a better dad. And I…I can’t function anymore. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I lost so much weight I can barely recognize myself.

I’m going insane.

“I don’t want to. It hurts! It hurts! Even if I bleed the pain out it still hurts so much,” I sob, scream, push her away.

"Reya, baby, look at me."

"No, please. Take him and leave. Let my father find me. Let him regret it. Let him hate himself for this, let him suffer!”

Her fingers tighten around the second wrist. Why is she worried… “We’re gonna get through this, let me take you to the hospital. Give life a chance baby."

No please.

“I’m trying. I’m trying… I’M FUCKING TRYING.”