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Play – I Bet on Losing dogs by Mitski

Absence of her

Lilies came back again this morning.

My hand mostly follows my mood, if I’m stressed or anxious, they mostly look dead, if I’m excited, they look more alive. They bloomed beneath my pencil one careful line at a time, their petals opening softly as the sun rose.

But they’re never finished. Every lily in my sketchbook is missing a petal. Every one of them.

There is something comforting about unfinished things. They can’t leave you if they never arrive anywhere. So, I keep sketching an entire garden of lilies with missing petals until I’m tired of it. Now the sun is already up, and I’ve been sitting on the rooftop with graphite-stained fingers and an empty suitcase waiting for me inside.

The star cookies were still warm downstairs, cooling on the kitchen counter waiting for Milo to wake up. It’s an important day, this morning marks the last September 10th here in this house.

Starting tomorrow, I’ll be sleeping in St. Ellesta’s campus, diving straight into a year of intensive training.

The thought of leaving him behind knots something deep inside me. Two months clean isn't long enough to trust myself, and it isn't long enough to believe he'll be okay without me.

A little while later, the window creaks open behind me.

“Sissy?”

I smile at myself before climbing down from the roof.

Milo is in a good mood; he’s been singing all morning long. And I pretended everything was okay to make sure he never loses his smile.

By the time we finish the cookies, he's talking so fast I can barely keep up, and I let him ramble all the way upstairs while I unzip my suitcase.

A smile curls my lips as I watch him climb up my bed, knocking over the pile of clean laundry in the process. His feet dangle over the edge of the bed as he watches me with a curious glint in his eyes. “How long will you be away, Reya?” He asks as I fold up a pair of old faded jeans.

“A few months only.”

“Is Nana going to drop me off at school in the mornings?”

“Uh-huh, and she is going to pick you up from the bus stop after school.”

Milo smiles at this before glancing at the heaps of clothes around him. “Can I help?”

“Sure, can you grab my other suitcase from the closet?”

He scrambles off the bed like a man on a mission.

“It's just in there, firefly.” I gesture with my hands towards the closet door, watching him swing it open.

“Found it!” His small hands push it along the grey wooden floors towards me. I try to lean forward to help him, but he stops me with a stony look. “I can do it, look.”

I hold up my hands in mock surrender, letting him do it even though he struggles.

The suitcase sits between us as he wrestles with the zipper before finally pulling it open. “Whoa,” he says as he looks at all the old clothes and shoes of hers that I kept hidden all these years.

“Hey, wait a second,” I call out to him with a slight panic in my voice. My warning falls on deaf ears, though, as I watch him pick up an old book. The old, faded polaroids drop out of it, and I watch Milo scramble to pick them up.

He looks down at the pictures before glancing back at me. His sparkling gaze captured mine, and for a second it reminds me of her. That confused look she always had on anytime I’d approach after bruises formed on her skin.

I wish I could forget it... I longed to forget her.

“Reya, who’s this? She’s pretty.”

I inhale a long breath, moving the pile of clothing over to the other side of the bed.