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She’s here. Looking back at me like she knows I’m going to forgive her too soon. Because she knows I always do.

I deserve peace. I deserve to feel the rage. I deserve to let it out.

I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and it shakes harder now. I’m so stupid, I’m so stupid but it’s too late now. I am stupid and I will never fail coming back to it.

I walk back to the room, Blue shifts in his sleep, completely unbothered by the version of me moving through the room like this.

I was supposed to be better than this. I thought I had time to change. I thought weeks meant something. It doesn’t feel like it meant anything now. It just feels like a pause before I became this again.

“I always do this,” I say, it just leaves my mouth and disappears. I say it again and again.

Feel it, and don’t let it destroy you.

69

Mireya

Play - Needle In The Hay by Elliott Smith

Ruining your ruined life

The piercing sound of the alarm echoes through my room and for a few seconds I don’t remember where I am. I stare at the ceiling, waiting for my mind to catch up and then everything comes back at once.

What did you do, Mireya…

I drag my hands down my face and force myself to sit up. My throat feels like sandpaper and my head is pounding.

A soft meow grabs my attention away. Blue is sitting at the edge of the bed, staring at me like he’s been waiting for me to wake up. He jumps down and brushes my leg before looking up at me. Soft eyes, no disappointment or questions, no judgement or reminder of how many times I’ve tried to be better.

I pick him up and press my face into his fur, breathing him in. “Blue, I messed up,” I whisper.

I hate how guilt eats away at me until I feel nothing but emptiness and then I am back where I started. Looking for something to take the pain away.

We stay like this for a few minutes, then I swing my legs over my bed, leaving Blue behind as my feet meet the cold floor. I make my way to the bathroom, one hand against the wall for balance. The light burns when I switch it on, and I immediately regret it.

I reach for the shower handle, needing the water to drown out the thoughts and calm the headache. The burning water hits my skin, and I stand there, letting it run, waiting for it to bring back some sense into me.

I thought coming to St. Ellesta will make me feel alive yet I’ve never felt more dead than I did before, all of this is just a distraction. It’s all temporary.

“You need to focus…” I whisper softly.

Focus Mireya.

Focus.

I switch off the shower and pull back the curtain, wrapping myself with the towel.

The rest happens fast. Clothes, hair, bag, food and water for Blue. My body knows what to do when I can’t function.

By the time I’m all ready, Blue is sitting in his favorite place, watching me. I walk over the desk, scratching behind his ears and showering him with kisses.

“I’ll be back later, baby.”

He presses his head against my hand and a few minutes later I’m leaving for class.

I’m slightly late when I arrived at the auditorium. Damien is already at the podium addressing the class but I don’t think he’s seen me yet.

“You’ll be split into pairs when we head into the training facility. Reading your partner's body language is essential for—,” Damien stops midway as someone approaches him from the side. I peer down and notice the two other bodies beside him and the unknown man.