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“If you keep looking at me like that, I might break it.”

“And I might already have broken it before,” he says, almost sadly. “Remember?”

He takes my hand and pulls me toward the Ferris wheel, buying tickets for the highest cabin. The wheel looms above us like some impossible thing, solid lines and lights spinning in the dark. We climbed in as the world slipped below. I can feel the sky pressing around me, infinite and indifferent.

A part of me floats there already, away from my body, away from all the rules I carry around like the heaviest anchor to a world where kindness was never on my side.

It feels good, here, on top of the world. For a few minutes nothing can hurt me. I’m far away from home, far away from responsibilities, from pretending to be okay.

I want to stay here.

With him.

Yeah I really do.

75

Damien

Play - Cornflower Blue by Flower Face

Forever secret

Little miss sad eyes scared me a few days ago.

My mind has been replaying the moment I found her alone and on the floor in her dorm, with guilt falling down her cheeks as if she was her own worst enemy.

Filled with desperation, filled with sorrow and regrets.

Addiction ruins people in the most devastating way possible. It tears apart every happy moment or memory until you’re nothing but this empty vessel. I’ve witnessed it growing up. And for a long time I tried to understand how strong you have to be to fight it. My mother didn’t win that battle. And it terrifies me to see Mireya in that state.

She looked lonely, so sad, and I hated it.

I felt the cuts of her thighs beneath my palm since that day. I can still feel them.

Bleeding just to remind yourself that you’re still there. And I don’t want her to bleed again. I want her to look at me and focus on me, in a selfishly possessive way, to remember that she’s here without having to hurt herself to prove it.

My mind kept thinking of how I could change that. I don’t think she understands how often I look at her and mourn all the happiness she was denied. But she’s not sad at this moment.

Here, in between the stars, her ocean blue eyes are bright, alive…

“You’re smiling,” I say, as I watch her softly.

“You took me to see the stars…” Her gaze meets mine, and I lose myself even more in this stormy sky in front of me. It’s strange how easily my mind settles on her, as if it recognized her soul long before I even met her. As if, somewhere along the way, she became worth every impossible thing.

“I know you like high places.”

“Do you know why?” she asks.

I shake my head, inviting her to explain it to me. “Tell me.”

She stares at the sky, remembering loudly enough for me to hear the nostalgia of her thoughts before even speaking.

“When I was younger… I used to be really sad. One day I asked the sky if it was still angry at me for feeling that way, for not drawing it anymore. Then it rained. The sky… felt as sad as I was. I always thought my mom was crying up there, for me, for all the things I lost and she had to say goodbye to. And even when I try my best, sometimes trying isn’t enough.”

Her voice was broken. I can’t figure out how to help, how to make the sky happier so that she would stop feeling guilty of whatever happened. Because the saddest thing about her was how convinced she was that she should hurt alone.

I tighten my grip on her hand slightly. “You’re not failing at anything. You’re a good person, Mireya.”