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I wake up soaked in sweat, heart pounding, eyes watering, and I feel stupid for fearing something inside my own head.

The house is quiet when I get up. My veins itch for the same poisonous placebo I’ve convinced myself is necessary to function. I try not to reach for it, try to think about the cliff again. Think about the little girl looking at the stars there, having no idea what she would become later.

Don’t fall back again.

Instead of giving in, I push the window up, swing my legs over the sill and step onto the roof. I lit a cigarette, hoping that the first drag would get my hands steady enough to stop shaking.

I am stressed, of course. Who wouldn’t be?

It’s going to be okay, Reya.

The sky is paling, which means I have to get ready in a few minutes. A soft weight presses against my thigh, Blue stretches next to me, and before I can move, he curls into my lap and starts to purr.

I stroke his back with the hand not holding the cigarette, half listening to the drag of my breath.

“Are you ready to discover your new home?” I say, and he just closes his eyes softly.

I’ll take that as a yes.

“We need to go back inside now. I know, you want to sleep a little bit more. I’m sorry.”

I plant a kiss on his head before bringing him into the house. “It’s cold out there, isn’t it?” I coo at him as he adjusts himself on my shoulder, burying his head into the crook of my neck.

I like it. I never thought about adopting a cat before. It always seemed like too much responsibility, and I didn’t want to risk it out, more for their own sake than mine.

My mother used to feed a stray cat before she stopped feeding her own kids. She even gave her a name, Moonbeam. Blue eyes and soft heart.

The more I look at Blue, the more I see the resemblance.

Did you send him to me, mom?

Blue’s paw lands on my cheek and I lean into it. He is making me regret not adopting him sooner. I went to the vet yesterday after buying him everything for the move, and he was such a sweetheart there. He let the lovely lady take care of him and make sure everything was okay.

I’m glad he’s here now.

I tiptoe towards Milo's room with the cat perched on my shoulder. He doesn't have school this morning, which is a blessing since I have to drop him off at Edna's before leaving with my things.

I gently open his door covered in posters that Dad hates, the door creaks and groans when I push it wider. “Time to wake up, firefly.”

A large bag and a small suitcase were at the foot of his bed, enough to last a good week at Edna's with his belongings. He sighed before opening one eye and leaning on his elbow to get up, “Hi, sissy,” he says.

“Hi, baby,” I reply as I advance toward him. Blue jumps from my shoulder to Milo’s chest, which makes him laugh.

“Oh my god, Blue, I just woke up, give me a second!”

I kiss his forehead before going back downstairs and reply, “When you’re done brushing your teeth, just come downstairs for breakfast, okay?”

And I just hear a loud ‘okay’ as I take the stairs.

I roll my eyes before shaking my head, knowing he won’t be downstairs for another ten minutes at the very least.

Milo isn’t a morning person. I mean, sometimes he is, but that's usually on the weekends when there is no school, and he can spend the day with me. Dad is always hungover on Saturdays, so he sleeps until later in the day and when he does wake up, I take Milo somewhere else.

I make my way towards my bedroom again, just to double-check that I have everything packed, and glance at the pile of luggage that’s leaning against my bed.

As my eyes roam around my bedroom, it dawns on me that I will no longer be living here, well, at least full-time, again.

The shell jar. I almost forgot it.