Page 34 of Marriage and the Midlife Crisis

“I asked you to tell me about yourself, and you told me about your job, your marriages, and your children. That’s fine, and certainly a big part of your life, but you didn’t say anything about who you are, independent of them. Employee, wife, and mom are labels, but they don’t define who Melanie is.”

I started to apologize, but she waved it aside. “It’s a very common thing to do, especially for women, but I want you to recognize that you have value on your own, not only as a wife, or a mom, or a reflection of anyone else. So, tell me about Melanie, the woman.”

I froze for a second, unable to figure out what to say. When I told her that, she offered an encouraging smile and told me just to start with the first thing that popped into my head.

“Uh,” I chuckled nervously, “I’m forty-one, as of Saturday. I love to read and travel. I enjoy spending time with my family.”

Kim nodded in approval, then prompted, “And what about your personality? Outgoing, introverted, whimsical…how would you characterize yourself?

Wow. I’d thought talking about the issues with Ryan would be the hard part. I was already struggling, and we hadn’t even made it that far yet.

“Well, I’m…average, I guess? I’m not terribly outgoing, but I’m not really introverted, either. I’m not spontaneous, I like to plan and organize because flying by the seat of my pants is a little nerve-racking for me. I’m practical. I’m opinionated, but I keep those opinions to myself probably more than I should.”

“And why do you think you do that?” Kim asked as I paused to think of something else to say.

“To make things easier for people…and to keep the peace, sometimes.”

She made a non-committal sound, then asked, “Do you see yourself as a people pleaser?”

I chuckled. “Yes, I’ve been told that a few times.”

“But do you see yourself that way?

I shrugged. “For the most part. Is that a bad thing?”

Kim shook her head adamantly. “Absolutely not, as long as you don’t lose your own sense of self in the process.”

Sensing that I wasn’t quite following, she explained, “Wanting to make others happy is an admirable trait, a truly wonderful quality to have. But, if it consistently comes at the expense of your own wants and needs, your own happiness, then that becomes an issue. If your own needs aren’t being prioritized, by you or anyone else, then over time you may feel unappreciated and overlooked, and that can lead to resentment, stress, and anxiety, among a whole host of other unpleasant things.”

I exhaled sharply as those words hit home. “That’s pretty spot on for me. How do I fix that?”

Kim smiled. “As with so many things, self-awareness is the first step. Recognizing those patterns gives you the power to change them. We’ll work on finding a balance between helping others without losing your own sense of self and making sure that your own needs are being met.”

She paused, then eyed me carefully. “You mentioned that you keep your opinions to yourself sometimes to ‘keep the peace.’ I need to address that before we go any further. Melanie, are you safe at home?”

I reared back in my seat, shocked both by the question and her deadly serious tone. “Yes, Ryan would never physically hurt me.”

Kim cocked her head slightly. “It doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse,” she pointed out.

I shook my head. “I know, but it’s not like that. Truly. Ryan is…neglectful and self-absorbed lately, but he’s not abusive – physically or mentally.”

“Then why do you feel like you need to keep the peace?”

“Because we can only have the same arguments so many times before I get tired of it and just keep my mouth shut.”

“Arguments about what?”

I huffed and shook my head. “My husband’s midlife crisis. His jerk of a best friend. Him being gone all the time lately, ignoring me, and our sons.”

Kim nodded again. She seemed to do that a lot.

“Is that what prompted you to seek this appointment?”

I froze, and she noticed.

“Melanie?”

I swallowed hard, trying to ease the sudden tightness in my throat as the reason I was here alone came rushing back on a tidal wave of pain.