Page 55 of Marriage and the Midlife Crisis

Melanie reached for a tissue to wipe her eyes, and Kim asked, “Do you think you were trying to protect Melanie, or yourself?”

It took me a moment to say, “I don’t know. Both, probably.”

Kim nodded at my quiet reply. “We often lie to ourselves to justify something that we feel deep down is indefensible. Do you feel that what you did – going to the strip club – was a betrayal? Was it indefensible?”

“Yes, absolutely.” I answered her without hesitation this time. “I know it was. I’m the one who put that limit in place after I learned how horribly her ex-husband treated her. I’m the one who said I would never go to a strip club. Mel never put that boundary in place, I did, because I wanted her to know that she was safe with me, and that she never had to worry. I wanted her to know that I would never do anything to trigger a reminder of all that she’d gone through with him.”

“But I wasn’t safe, was I? I wish you’d never even made that promise at all, because you lulled me into such a false sense of security that I was totally blindsided when it happened. How could you do that? How could you sit there surrounded by nearly naked women grinding on poles, and just listen to music and drink a beer and get a fucking lap dance as if I didn’t exist? As if you hadn’t made promises to me that you told me you took just as seriously as our wedding vows.”

When I didn’t answer, Melanie scoffed in disgust. “How would you feel if I did that? If I went to a club and let a male stripper rub and grind himself all over me wearing nothing but a pair of tiny briefs that outlines every inch of his dick? If I came home stinking of his cologne? Would that bother you?

I swallowed hard at the image she painted. “Yes,” I ground out. “I would hate it.”

“You would hate it,” she parroted. “And just think, Ryan, your ex-wife never cheated on you with a male stripper. She didn’t spend money you didn’t have going to a strip club every week while telling you she was hanging out at a sports bar. She didn’t tell you that your dick was too small to do it for her or tell you that she wished you could have surgery to make it bigger. She didn’t fixate on porn featuring actors with huge penises. She didn’t stare at strange men in public who happened to have big bulges in their pants. She didn’t film herself fucking another man in your bed, while moaning that she loved his nice, big cock.”

She stopped, her chest heaving as tears streamed down her face. “Just imagine, Ryan – if you lived through that kind of trauma like I did, that much of a blow to your self-esteem – imagine how much it would hurt if I went to a club with male strippers. If I got a lap dance, even if I stopped it after a few seconds. Imagine that I planned to come home and lie straight to your face about it. Imagine if I did that because I’d rather hurt you than piss off a friend.”

Tears welled in my eyes, and I let them fall unchecked. I hated myself for what I’d done to her, and I told her so.

“I think I hate you for what you’ve done, too,” she replied, her voice nothing more than a broken whisper.

The room was silent for several long moments before Kim quietly asked if we wanted to call a halt to the session for today or keep going. “We have about twenty minutes left, but we can stop if either of you need a break.”

“I’ll…” my voice cracked and I cleared my throat. “I’ll leave that up to Melanie to decide. If she wants to continue, we will.”

Mel nodded, and I reached for a bottle of water and took a long swig.

“Melanie, you mentioned that you still have questions. Would you like to ask them now, or would you prefer to move on to something else.”

Melanie took a deep breath and said she would ask them now. “Well, it’s just one question at the moment.”

She turned to look at me, and I gave her a slight nod to encourage her. “Go ahead. Ask me whatever you need to.”

I wasn’t prepared for the question that fell from her lips.

“When we spoke on Wednesday, I got the feeling that you weren’t telling me everything. I don’t think you lied about anything you said, but I could tell that you left something out. When you were explaining how you’d jumped up when the stripper climbed onto your lap, you kept dropping your gaze, so you weren’t looking me in the eye, and that vein in your temple started to pulse…kind of like it is now,” she pointed out. She took a deep breath as if to brace herself before asking, “What haven’t you told me?”

Fuck.

I knew exactly what she was talking about.

Chapter 19

Melanie

My heart started to beat faster the longer I waited on Ryan to answer me.

He dropped his gaze to his lap as soon as the words left my mouth, and I knew I’d been right. He hadn’t told me everything.

I studied him carefully as he clenched and unclenched his fists, then closed his eyes and tried to slow his breathing.

“Ryan,” Kim called his name softly and he slowly raised his head and opened his eyes. My breath caught when I saw a single tear roll down his cheek, then he nodded at her and slowly, reluctantly, turned his head to look at me.

“When she climbed onto my lap, I was completely shocked. I told you that. I was just…frozen at first, and it took me longer than it should have to figure out what the hell was happening. By that time, she was…,” his voice grew raspy and he swallowed hard, then took a quick sip of his water. “She was rubbing her chest against me, and grinding on my lap,” he said hesitantly, then stopped. He closed his eyes and took another breath, as if he needed to steady himself.

“I didn’t stop her as soon as I should have. She was grinding her…herself on my lap and for a few seconds, I…my body responded.” His confession ended on a ragged whisper, and he took in a shuddering breath.

“I swear to you, I didn’t want her. I didn’t touch her. I wasn’t attracted to her at all, Melanie. It was just a biological reaction to the friction, or the pressure of her moving on top of me like that. As soon as I realized what was happening, I jumped up and everything else is just like I told you. She fell off my lap, I caught her, so she didn’t hurt herself, I knocked over the beer, the bouncer came over, and I left to go back to the hotel. I was ashamed. I felt so guilty, and I knew it would hurt you even more, so I didn’t tell you that part.”