Page 23 of Poet & Protector

Ansel nodded. We all learned the same rules, but depending on who we were, the impact of the Keepers’ dictates varied.

“I was confused,” I continued. “I’d obviously done something very wrong and I was ashamed I made my mother so frightened. I told her I was sorry and she said all I had to do was remember that I had to follow the Keepers’ laws about mates.”

I paused; Ansel watched me. I could tell he didn’t know what to say. That was fine. This was the way our lives worked. The way it had always been for Guardians. There was no changing it.

The tight cords binding my heart loosened a bit because the next part of my memory was better. “She said something else.”

Ansel perked up. I smiled at him. He was always so hopeful, so optimistic, and I knew he’d been waiting for a happy ending. I didn’t quite have that, but what I had was better than nothing.

“She told me again that I couldn’t ignore the Keepers’ rules, that if they ordered me to take a mate I needed to do it. She repeated that so many times, in so many different ways, it was drilled into me. But then she said having a mate didn’t mean I couldn’t have friends.”

Frowning, Ansel peered at me. “But we all have friends. We have packmates.”

“Yes, but she was hinting at something else. Something different.”

“What do you mean?”

“She told me, ‘Your Auntie Brigid and her patrol mate Hannah have been very special friends for a long time.’ And I said, ‘That’s why they’re roommates.’ She said, ‘Yes. And if the Keepers don’t give you a mate, you might be able to have a roommate friend. If you are mated, you can’t have a roommate, but you could still have a special friend.’”

“That’s kind of a lot,” Ansel commented, bumping his shoulder into mine. “You were only ten. Did you get what she was trying to tell you?”

“Not at all,” I replied. “I was so confused and my mom got frustrated, and then really scared again. Finally, she made me promise never to talk to anyone about not liking girls…and the last thing she did was remind me that Keepers kill Guardians who break their laws.”

Ansel expelled a harsh breath. “God, Mason. That’s awful.”

He took my hand and my eyes filled with tears again.

“I was terrified,” I said in a shaky voice. “And I didn’t say anything to anyone. I tried not to think about it. I tried to imagine being happy with Fey or Bryn…Sorry.”

He shook his head. “No, no. I understand.”

“Of course it didn’t work,” I continued. “I started to dread the future. The older I got, the more powerful my feelings were. I knew I didn’t like girls, that I would never like girls, and it wasn’t hard to figure out what I did like. Seriously, the internet is right there.”

Ansel grinned. “It really is.”

I offered him a quick smile. “I knew it didn’t matter. I would never have what I wanted because I’m a Guardian. I did my best to make peace with it.”

I took a deep breath. “Then, out of nowhere at the beginning of school last year, I found a note in my locker. It said ‘Some wolves dream differently. They hunt on paths strange to their packmates. They howl for what is forbidden.’”

“That’s intense.” There was a note of awe in his voice. “What else did it say?”

“That was it.” I ran my fingers through my hair, remembering how bewildered I’d been by the note. My instincts told me not to show it to anyone. I was glad I’d listened to them. “But then there was another note, and another. They all said cryptic things similar to the first. Six months of notes in my locker.”

“I don’t get it.” He frowned at me. “Why would they leave notes?”

“A test,” I told him. “If I shared the notes with anyone, if I went around trying to find out who’d left them or what they meant, it would have been clear I wasn’t safe. The notes would have stopped and I wouldn’t have received the invitation.”

“An invitation? Wait, are you in a secret society now?” Ansel’s eyes widened. “Cool. This is so cloak and dagger. I’m kind of jealous.”

I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Sorry, that was insensitive.” He backpedaled. “I wish you didn’t have to be in a secret society…but at least there is one?”

I laughed quietly and elbowed him in the side. “I’ll admit, once I figured out what the notes were doing, where they might be leading, it was very cool. A little scary, but cool.”

“What was the invitation?” Ansel asked eagerly. “Where did you go?”

“I can’t tell you,” I said quickly, but his crestfallen expression prompted me to add, “I trust you with my life, An. I wouldn’t be telling you any of this if I didn’t trust you, but part of being in this ‘secret society’ is promising everyone who risks being there that you will never reveal where it is or who is part of it. Even telling you it exists is walking the line of breaking that promise. You can’t talk to anyone about it.”