Page 78 of The Rancher’s One and Only

“And I can see that,” he said. “Makes total sense. The only time I’ve ever really felt out of control is when I’m with you. And I mean that in a good way. Because I trust you.”

He was silent for a long time, and he still hadn’t said anything when her dark-red-and-green town house came into view. “I’m there,” she said.

He nodded and pulled into the driveway. He put the truck in Park, and shut the engine off. He still wasn’t saying anything, but she took it as her cue to get out. They walked up to the front steps, and she was working on getting her key out when he gripped her chin and tilted her face up, forced her to look at him. “I take that really seriously,” he said.

“Which thing?”

“You trusting me. I just want you to know that.” Then he kissed her, on the front steps, in front of the whole neighborhood, and she thought her heart might explode.

In the very best way.

He parted from her, and she opened the door, letting them both inside. The air was a little bit flat from no one having been here for weeks, but it was relatively tidy. She had bought the place turnkey, and had chosen some of the elements while it was being built, though she had a limited menu of options. She had kept everything sleek and modern, mainly so she could fling as many trinkets as she wanted onto it without it being overkill. That was why she had mismatched gold frames with all of her animal paintings, brightly colored frames on the shadow boxes of the crystals and rocks. She had knitted blankets thrown over the modern couch, and a large knitted tuft that she sat on in the corner of the living room.

“This is very you,” he said, looking around.

And she felt extremely seen in that moment. “Thank you,” she said.

“Of course. It’s true. Very uniquely Ernestine.”

“Well, since I am very uniquely Ernestine that tracks.”

“Yes, it does.” It felt like he fit there in her house. They ordered takeout and sat on the couch, and ate curry and rice together, and she wondered if he thought it was nice or boring. She decided to ask, because it was who she was, even if she was experiencing some uncharacteristic signs of insecurity.

“Would you rather be out on the Las Vegas strip?”

“No,” he said. “I did that.”

“Do you think you’d ever want a family?”

Those words fell out of her mouth without her meaning to say them.

“I can’t imagine a family being a good thing,” he said.

His voice sounded rough, harsh. She could understand what he meant. Why would it be to him? It was all just violence and sadness.

“Yeah. I get that.”

“How about you, famous paleontologist Ernestine Martin? Do you think you’re going to settle down?”

She had never really thought about it. Because it had seemed like something so far away from her. And in a general sense, she couldn’t say that she dreamed of it. But if he wanted to… She could dream that. The house with him, a life with him, children with him.

She was suddenly gripped with a desire that she’d never experienced before. Deep and ferocious. The longing was so intense.

It made her want to cry. One of Jax’s children? Yes, that was a child that she wanted. Very much.

“I still don’t know what all I want,” she said honestly. “I don’t really know who I am outside of my job. And you’ve made me realize that there’s more to me than that. That I care about things outside of my job more than I thought I could. My ideas for the camp, for the new museum, I care about those. I guess I am like you in that way. And you’re my Las Vegas.”

He smiled. “Yeah. I can see that. And that’s true. If I’m your Las Vegas, you’re going to come out the other side with a better idea of what you want. You’ll find the balance. I have.”

There was a sadness around his eyes, though, and in his voice. She wondered if he really had found that balance. If he really did feel like he had figured it all out. And everything was decided for him.

She wondered. She really did wonder.

But she also didn’t think that it was the right time to push him. Was he just going to be a lesson in her life? She hated the idea of that. He felt like forever, but she was also someone who historically didn’t like change. Now that she had him, it felt sad to let him go. He would be in her life, in some way. But not like this, and that felt unbearable, even when it shouldn’t.

A lot of people ended up with someone other than their first sexual experience. Most people ended up with someone else. It was just so hard to believe there ever could be someone other than Jax.

But that was her. That was her weird brain, the weird way she formed attachments to things, from rocks to people, and TV shows.