Page 118 of To Tango, with Desire

“Same. I, at least, have this little bub to distract me.”

I looked down at Sahar’s daughter, Emmy, born only a few weeks ago. She was the spitting image of her ma and, from all my parents’ chatter, had brought so much joy to their lives already. They’d flown over to see her, and my dad had been unable to talk about anything else but his gorgeous new granddaughter.

“He won’t ever see her grow up.” Sahar sniffed, a tear dropping on Emmy’s cap of dark hair.

My heart twisted, a wrenching pain that nearly brought me to my knees.

Dad would miss every birthday, every graduation, every new milestone. He’d loved his grandchildren and had only ever been delighted to see them, often doling out sweets when he shouldn’t.

“We’ll make sure she doesn’t forget him. We’ll remind her of what Dad was like as if he were still here.”

She looked at me, eyes full. “I hope so.”

“I know it.”

Sahar dashed away her tears, eyes red-rimmed. “I’m so fucking tired of crying.”

“Tell me about it. I know postpartum can suck and you’ve your hands full with the boys, so if you want, I’ll come up and help out next week.”

“You’re the best, but I’ve got another suggestion.”

“Okay.”

“I know you were arranging Mom to come live with you for a bit, but do you mind if I take her? I think having the boys there will keep her occupied rather than being alone all day, and I could use her extra pair of hands for the next few months, especially as Marco will need to travel again.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I think it’ll be good for her. And me. You’re more than welcome to come up any time, but I could use some long-term help. No offense, but you and Zane work a lot and being here might not be enough of a change of pace for her.”

I thought about how lost Mom had been, how heartbroken.

“Are you sure that’s what you want?”

“I’m sure. I think the change of scenery will help her process everything.”

I brushed back Emmy’s hair, marveling in her tiny features.

I couldn’t think about whether I was pregnant right now. The thought had been terrifying at the best of times. Now, it only increased my pain.

“Sure. So long as Mom is fine with that.”

“Any excuse to be with the grandkids.”

When I thought about Sahar and her little family, about Mom and my brothers all gathered together without me, I couldn’t help but feel bereft.

Everything was changing and not in the way I expected. In my head, Dad had a successful surgery and was back at home, squabbling with my mom. In my head, my family hadn’t been torn apart by grief.

We spent the next few hours reminiscing about our father, trying our best not to hover over our mom too much. But by the time everyone left, I was exhausted.

I crawled into bed that night and in seconds, I was asleep.

AMIRA

I jerked awake hours later.

The same suffocating dream of being buried alive had robbed me of any respite.

I glanced over at Zane, who lay peacefully asleep. Unable to stop myself, I brushed my fingers through his thick, dark hair. I wanted to wake him up, to curl up beside him and make myself forget about the week from hell. But I needed air.