Page 133 of To Tango, with Desire

Love.

I’d stupidly thought I could keep it a secret, to hold it inside of me like some rare jewel. But it had changed everything. Sex was different knowing I loved him. Our marriage was different. I was different.

Zane rolled onto his back, taking me with him. I lay sprawled on his chest, my throat tight, my stomach in knots. We were still connected, and my heart was so full, I thought it would shatter.

I’d broken the most important rule. The only rule in this marriage contract that had the power to crush my heart.

I’d fallen in love with my husband.

A man who didn’t love me in return.

AMIRA

It was like a second honeymoon.

Zane’s return home had unleashed something in me that was all-encompassing.

I tried my best to hide my feelings, to pretend like I wasn’t affected by his touch, but I was so damn caught up in this man that the decision to get an abortion was breaking my heart.

We had what could only be described as a sex marathon in the week he’d been home. No sooner had we both finished work than we were at it like bunnies. We used toys and whips, vibrators and chains . . . and a ton of expensive lingerie that he had no qualms about ripping with his teeth.

I liked it when he lost control. I sometimes even liked it a little rough. And when it was over, Zane would never fail to drop a soft kiss on the tip of my nose and pull me close.

Or, like tonight, draw me a bath to help ease some of the cramping. In a few days, we would be going through with the abortion.

I didn’t want a child. I knew that to be true. But somehow, I didn’t want to lose this part of us. It was confusing as hell.

We were wrapped up in our robes, curled up on the sofa after an epic sex marathon, when it struck me that this would be the last chance to talk about the termination.

“I know we’ve been through this, but I want to make sure that you’re one hundred percent okay with this decision. The abortion.”

He nodded. “I am. And I’m not. But I want to know what you’re feeling.”

“I don’t want to lose this . . . something we’ve created. But at the same time, I don’t want to be a parent.”

Zane’s shoulders lowered. “Just so we're clear, I’ve no interest in children—despite what your mom might be telling you. I'm happy for you to go ahead with the termination, but I know it's not an easy choice. This whole process made me question why I didn't want kids. I had to seriously think about what I would feel if you went through with the abortion, and I wouldn't be upset or angry. That's the honest truth. It's your body, your choice, Amira.”

I smiled, comforted by his support. He’d reassured me several times, but my mother’s opinion still plagued me.

Would having this abortion take away from what we’d built? Would things be different between us?

“I don’t want things to change,” I whispered.

Zane gripped my hands in his, the dark depths of his eyes sincere. “It won’t change a damn thing. You’re my wife, Amira. We entered into this marriage agreeing on certain things.”

Like not falling in love.

“We both don’t want kids. But as I’ve said before, if you turned around and said you really wanted a child—not because it’s ours, but because you had a yearning to be a mother—then I would support that.”

I was relieved. I’d heard it before, but it was comforting to hear it again.

“I don’t want my biases and my past to affect your decision.”

“It doesn’t. But you've never told me why you don't want children. Is it because of your childhood? I know it was rough, and I know it’s hard for you to open up, but it helps. When you tell me things, it makes me feel closer to you.”

Zane sighed, leaning back against the cushions. A few months ago had I asked him that question, he would have changed the subject, deflecting. But he wasn’t the same man that I’d married.

He wasn’t one to have deep and meaningful chats, but he also wasn’t hiding behind that facade anymore. He’d curated an image of himself for the world, but the man I really loved was someone who was loyal and kind. Someone who was protective and sweet.