Page 23 of You Were Always the One

‘It’ll happen,’ I say.

‘I know. It’s the outcome that’s stressing me out,’ she says. ‘I mean, once we talk, it’s obvious it will be over between us.’

I frown at her. ‘You really think so?’

‘I know so.’ She pauses. ‘I’ve realised we’re completely different people. We don’t want the same things. It’s also obvious that Miles wants to be with someone else.’ She shrugs. ‘There isn’t much more to say.’

My ears prick up. ‘You think he’s seeing someone?’

‘I’m pretty sure.’ She shrugs. ‘After last time, I should know the signs.’

I watch her face. ‘You’ve thought this through, haven’t you?’

‘I had one of those lightbulb moments,’ she says. ‘You’re right. I will talk to him.’ A frustrated sound comes from her as she buries her face in her hands. Then she looks up. ‘Please, let’s not talk about me any more. It’s too depressing. How is single life?’

‘A little odd. But it’s fine. I haven’t spoken to Emma, so I’m assuming she feels like I do.’ I shrug. ‘It’s just one of those things. No regrets.’

‘I wish I could say the same,’ she says. ‘I have only myself to blame for ending up in this mess.’ She rolls her eyes at me. ‘Look at me, talking about myself again. I just can’t believe I married someone like Miles. But then I think about my kids.’ Her voice softens, her eyes filling with angst. ‘They are so great, Riggs. And I wouldn’t change a thing if it meant I wouldn’t have them.’ She pauses. ‘They have no idea what’s going through my mind.’

‘Maybe best to keep it that way,’ I say. ‘For now, at least.’

‘I know.’ Then her face changes. ‘I’ve never been able to talk to Miles like this. He doesn’t expect me to get frustrated or upset. I’m supposed to be level and understanding and everything else he expects me to be.’

‘A Stepford wife?’ I raise one of my eyebrows.

‘That’s it exactly. A fucking Stepford wife,’ she says tearfully. ‘It shows you how little he knows me.’

It certainly does. It also tells me that Holly isn’t herself with him. And I’m worried about her. ‘You have to talk to him. You can’t go on like this.’

‘Thanks for reminding me.’ She gets up. ‘Can I get you another drink?’

She goes to the bar and comes back with two glasses. Then over the next hour, she talks. Sadly, furiously, frustratedly, about her marriage to Miles. Then about the sense she’s lost herself. How it all seems to have hit her at once.

It’s what happens, I think, when we keep going through the tough times pretending everything’s fine, until the day comes that we can’t do it any more. For Holly, this has been building for years.

‘Can I ask you something?’ My eyes meet hers. ‘Right this moment, if you could wave a magic wand, what would you change in your life?’

She looks at me, startled. ‘Nothing that would make my kids unhappy,’ she says defensively.

‘Let’s say your kids are fine. And you know they will be in the future. What about you? What would you change in your life?’

She’s silent for a moment. Then she sighs. ‘Honestly? I’d leave Miles.’ Shock registers in her eyes. ‘I’ve never actually said that before.’

‘Go on,’ I say quietly.

‘In an ideal world, he’d understand. Then he’d let me go – but I can’t see that happening. It would be completely different if it was him who wanted to leave. Miles likes to feel in control. He can’t bear when anything threatens that.’ A tear rolls down her cheek. ‘The reality is it would be the most hideous upheaval, which would affect my kids. It means I don’t see how I could do it.’

I watch her wrestle with herself. ‘Would it be any more hideous than staying in a marriage without love?’

‘Love?’ She raises her eyes to look at me. ‘I can’t even decide what love is any more. I know I love my children. I’d do anything for them. But when it comes to Miles…’ She pauses. ‘I know love changes over time – and that it isn’t always happiness and romance. But isn’t the point of a marriage that you stick through those times?’

‘Isn’t that what you’ve done?’ I ask her, but my question goes unanswered.

‘OK. If there were no other considerations, I’d take my kids and spend a year travelling.’

I frown at her. ‘What about school?’

‘You told me I could wave a magic wand,’ she reminds me. ‘I’d magic school away – just for a year.’ An anxious look crosses her face. ‘I’m not sure either of them would thank me for that.’ She sighs. ‘Don’t you see? Even a magic wand can’t solve my problems.’