Page 25 of You Were Always the One

That was how we spent our first afternoon together. Sharing our pasts; then our dreams which seemed crazily aligned, as I figured I’d found a female version of myself. Someone who was less fussed about settling down than she was about exploring the world.

I didn’t want the afternoon to end. I was magnetised by her, my heart already under her spell.

‘I love this time of day,’ she said as the sun sank lower. ‘Just so you know, I have an obsession with sunsets.’

‘Me, too.’ A sunset seemed to represent so many things. The movement of the earth, nature’s artistry. It’s magic, I suppose. ‘It’s like watching time in physical motion, as the day ends and night starts.’

‘I like how it makes my mind empty,’ she said. ‘When I’m watching the colours change, it’s like nature putting on a light show. It makes me think about how small we all are.’

‘You put it much better than me,’ I said humbly.

As she turned to look at me, and I saw the colours of the sky reflected in her eyes, here in front of me was proof that magic existed. I leaned towards her. Then, unable to stop myself, I kissed her.

9

HOLLY

My chance to speak to Miles presents itself – totally unexpectedly – when I get home one afternoon to find his car in the drive. Assuming he’ll be working in his study, I’m taken by surprise when I go inside and he’s in the kitchen. ‘Hi.’ He frowns at me. ‘I thought you’d be back by now.’

‘I did some shopping,’ I say evasively. Putting down my bag, I go to fill the kettle. Then knowing this is a moment I have to seize, I turn to Miles. ‘Can we talk?’

He doesn’t meet my eyes. ‘What about?’

My stomach is churning with nerves. But I have to seize this chance. ‘About us?’ I say tentatively.

Miles freezes. ‘What is it you want to say?’ he says stiffly.

Now that I’m here, I’m fumbling. ‘This is the problem. We find it really hard to talk, don’t we? About anything important?’

‘I don’t know, Holly.’ His eyes bore into me. ‘It depends on what you want to talk about.’

‘Us,’ I say weakly, wondering why I can’t say what I really feel. But the moment I tell him how I’m really feeling, there will be no going back. ‘Most of the time, I have no idea what’s going on in your life – or with us. I don’t know where you are half the time – and you don’t tell me. And yes, I know I shouldn’t need to know. It’s just, after what happened before…’ I tail it off, unable to say the words, your affair.

‘Haven’t I made it clear?’ he says. ‘What happened is in the past. It has no bearing on now. I’ve put it behind me. I thought you understood that.’

‘Don’t make me sound like the bad guy in this.’ I find my voice. ‘It’s easy for you to say, but if you were in my shoes, you might understand how I’m feeling.’

‘I see.’ Getting up, he walks over to the window, standing there for a moment, before turning to look at me. ‘You’re saying you don’t trust me.’

I stare at him. ‘I suppose I don’t.’

He shakes his head. ‘Even though I’ve given you my word?’

But it isn’t enough. ‘It’s like you deliberately keep me in the dark, Miles. I have no idea why that is. Marriages should be honest. We should have each other’s backs. But with us, it doesn’t feel like that.’

‘I haven’t changed,’ he says through gritted teeth.

‘You had an affair, Miles.’ I can’t let him put this on me. ‘I’ve really tried to get over it. But I’m not sure I can.’

He frowns. ‘What are you saying exactly?’

I gaze at him. ‘Maybe we can’t get over this. Maybe…’ I break off as I see Grace come up the drive. ‘Can we finish this conversation later?’ My eyes meet his. ‘The children are back.’

‘If that’s what you want.’ He walks out of the kitchen and goes to his study, closing the door none too quietly just as the children come in.

Somehow I get through the rest of the afternoon. I’m on tenterhooks, my head crowded with everything I want to say to Miles, half-expecting him to go out. But he stays in his study until I put supper on the table.

We barely speak to each other as we eat. If Max and Grace notice, neither of them says anything. As soon as they’ve finished, they go upstairs. In silence, Miles helps me clear the table. Then he goes to the kitchen door and closes it.