Page 42 of You Were Always the One

‘It is.’ She sounds tearful. ‘It’s like I’m going mad. And in all this, I’m trying to keep things normal for the kids.’

‘You probably can’t,’ I say gently.

‘I’m doing my best,’ she says. ‘It’s so obvious we are all so much happier when Miles isn’t here.’ She hesitates. ‘We had this one really odd day, just before he collapsed. We went to see a movie together – us and the kids. It’s years since we’ve done anything like that. I was so sure he was trying to make a point of acting like their father – before he told us he was leaving us. Then, when I knew he was ill, I thought that maybe he’d had some kind of wake-up call, about being a better dad. Now, though…’ She pauses. ‘I don’t know what to think.’

When listening to her is tying my brain in knots, I can’t imagine what this is like for Holly. ‘Can’t you talk to him again?’ I say. ‘Get things out in the open?’

‘I know I should,’ she says. ‘But God knows when.’

After the call ends, Holly lingers in my mind. I imagine her navigating this minefield with Miles, the prospect of surgery looming over both of them, while Emma and I settle into an odd, unmarried routine. We’re a bit like slightly awkward friends who know too much about each other, who almost certainly shouldn’t live together. But they do, because at the heart of it all is a baby who we are choosing to bring into the world.

Having told the airline she’s pregnant, Emma stops flying and takes a job in the office. Some evenings, she goes out – I don’t know where or who with, nor do I ask. I have my suspicions that she wants me back. But when it comes to us, I am resolute. The way things stand, it’s over between us.

‘You really don’t care, do you?’ she says almost angrily one evening, her eyes flashing.

I look at her, baffled. ‘You’re not making sense,’ I say. ‘You’re missing the obvious that if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t want you to be here.’

She sits down, still in a strop. ‘I mean, in that way.’

I try to work out what to say. Then before I can speak, she gets up.

‘God. I’m all over the place,’ she says tearfully, before going upstairs, none too quietly closing the door to the spare room.

It’s bewildering to say the least. For Emma, it seems her pregnancy is overwhelming. But I guess given her situation, it isn’t surprising. I give her ten minutes, then go upstairs. I knock on her door. ‘Emma?’

‘What?’ she says angrily.

I step back. ‘I just came to check you’re OK.’

There’s silence, then the door opens a crack and her tearstained face appears. ‘What do you think?’

‘Can I come in?’ I say gently.

She doesn’t say anything, just opens the door wider. There’s the faintest hint of a bump beginning to show and I feel a flicker of wonder that there’s a tiny human being in there. She goes over and sits on the bed. ‘Everything feels like such a fucking mess.’ Her voice shakes. ‘I’m going to be a mother, and all because you and I got drunk together and ended up having break-up sex. I’ve no idea how I’m going to cope. It’s the whole reason I never wanted kids.’

‘Don’t say that.’ I sit down next to her. ‘One thing I do know is that you’ll be a great mother.’ I pause. ‘And don’t forget, I’m here, too.’

‘I know.’ She’s silent for a moment. ‘Thanks.’ She shakes her head. ‘I suppose part of this is getting over us, Rigby. And if I’m honest, it isn’t so easy now we’ve living together again.’

‘We’re doing OK,’ I say. ‘In the circumstances.’

‘You think so?’ She turns to look at me. ‘You know, when we met, I really wanted us to be one of those magical love stories.’

‘You did?’ My eyebrows seem to rise into my hairline. ‘You’ve never said anything like that before.’ Emma’s singularly the most unromantic woman I’ve ever known.

‘Maybe I should have. I fell for you, Rigby. I really did.’ Her voice wavers slightly. ‘But I think I realise now, it really is too late for us.’ She looks at me. ‘Because it is – isn’t it?’

‘Yes,’ I say firmly. ‘We both know the reality of us wasn’t what we thought it would be.’

She sighs. ‘Weird, isn’t it? It isn’t that I don’t like you. I do.’

‘Ditto,’ I say. ‘I think we make good friends.’ I pause. ‘I know, right now, you feel vulnerable. It’s only natural. But once the baby arrives, your hormones will settle down.’ Her eyes narrow as I mention ‘hormones’. ‘I mean that in the most sincere way,’ I say. ‘I can’t imagine how it feels, being pregnant. But I know when this baby comes, you will be its ferocious mother-protector.’

A faint smile plays on her lips. ‘You think so?’

‘I know so. Friends?’ I hold her gaze. It may have been Emma who instigated our break-up. But there’s no question in my mind, she was right to do so. ‘On one condition – that for both our sakes, for now at least, we never try to be more than that?’

Emma frowns at me. ‘There is one thing I don’t get. I mean, it was me who ended us. I just couldn’t see a future for us. And now, you’ve made it clear you don’t even want to try.’