Page 8 of You Were Always the One

‘Have you heard from Riggs?’ she says impatiently. ‘I mean, after seeing him again, I thought maybe he’d try to get in touch.’

How does she know? But this is Rita. She knows him – not as well as I do, but enough. ‘Actually, he messaged me.’

‘Oh my God, Holls,’ she says quickly. ‘What did he say?’

‘Not much. It was a hello kind of message,’ I tell her.

‘No way was it just that,’ she says. ‘Firstly, he had to make an effort to find you. Then there’s the fact that he messaged you at all,’ she says. ‘Have you replied?’

‘No,’ I say, quickly deciding it would be better not to. ‘You of all people should know I’d never do that to Miles.’

‘Are you sure he’s deserving of your loyalty?’ she says cynically.

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Suddenly I’m suspicious. ‘Do you know something I don’t? Because if you do, you have to tell me.’

‘I don’t know anything,’ she says calmly. ‘Let’s face it, though. Two years have passed. The bottom line is you haven’t been able to move on – I’m not sure I would, in your shoes. I’m not suggesting anything, but the point is, are you sure you want to live the rest of your life like this?’

‘I don’t,’ I say. ‘But I just can’t forget what happened. We talked again last night. He really thinks we can put it behind us. And I’m trying. But every time something seems off between us, the doubts are back.’ As I speak, it’s like a weight hangs over me. ‘Anyway, I can’t just think about myself,’ I say. ‘We’re a family. I have Max and Grace to think about.’

‘I know. And you’re a part of that, too.’ Rita sounds worried. ‘I just keep thinking how weird it is, you having seen Riggs again like this. I’m not saying it means you should have leapt into his arms. But I’m guessing it’s really made you think.’

She’s right. It’s completely upturned the status quo. Whether that’s good or not… I watch my children come up the drive. ‘I should go. The kids are back.’

‘Call me,’ she says. ‘Love you, Holls.’

I end the call, my mind all over the place as Max comes in, followed by Grace. I listen to them bicker about a movie they want to watch, still thinking about Rita’s call. Her words replaying over and over. Are you sure you want to live the rest of your life like this?

As I watch my kids, I berate myself. Even after what Miles did, I can’t imagine breaking up this family. It would be beyond awful in its layers of hideousness.

But is this much better?

A sigh comes from me and Max frowns at me. ‘What’s the matter, Mum?’

‘Nothing,’ I say quickly. ‘Busy day. Not in a bad way – I was just thinking, tomorrow is going to be the same.’

‘Dad always says you don’t have to work,’ he says, for a moment sounding like his father.

‘I know he does.’ I try to keep the irritation out of my voice; it’s always been a point of contention between Miles and me. ‘But you and Grace are at school all day. And I love my work. I really make a difference to people.’

My children wander upstairs to their respective bedrooms. Then Grace comes back down and does her homework in the kitchen; I cook dinner for us, a pasta sauce ready for when Miles comes in.

‘What’s your homework?’ I ask Grace.

‘Maths,’ she says. ‘And geography.’ She puts her pen down. ‘Mum, we’re learning about weather patterns and how they affect the landscape. It’s really interesting.’

‘That’s good, isn’t it?’ I finish the washing up.

‘It’s actually really bad. I mean, we talked about climate change today. We watched these films about floods and forest fires. They never used to be so extreme.’

‘Things always change,’ I say. ‘When you think how many years there’s been life on this planet, and look at all the species, it’s constantly evolving.’

‘It isn’t just that, Mum.’ She sounds surprisingly grown up. ‘It’s the fact that we are changing it, too.’

I look at her. ‘We should go to some of these places. I used to love seeing different parts of the world.’

‘Why don’t you now?’ She frowns at me.

‘You and Max have school, I have work… It isn’t as easy as it used to be.’