Page 89 of You Were Always the One

‘I know this isn’t sustainable,’ he says. ‘Until I went into hospital, I think I was still in denial. Anyway, I’m not now.’ He pauses. ‘I suppose the first question I have to ask you is, are you OK with this? Me being here? You doing so much for me?’ He says it gently, as though he’s concerned for me.

It’s almost more than I can take. ‘Of course I am.’ I blink away the tears in my eyes. ‘It’s your home, Miles. I want you to be here.’

‘But it’s putting so much on you,’ he says. ‘Now, hear me out. While I was in hospital, I spoke to the health insurance company. In the event of a terminal illness, they pay a lump sum. It’s enough for us to organise someone to come in.’

‘There’s no need, Miles. This is literally my job, remember?’

‘I know it is. And I can see now how good you are at it. I’m sorry I haven’t recognised that before.’ He pauses. ‘But it isn’t the same when it’s someone in your own family, Holly. It must be so much harder. There are the kids to think about.’ He rests one of his hands on mine. ‘There’s you, too. I know this isn’t easy. And I can see what it’s taking from you. You’re doing more than I could ever have asked for – especially after how I’ve treated you.’

For a moment, I don’t speak. ‘It changes everything, doesn’t it? Cancer?’

‘I’m very lucky.’ His voice wavers. ‘You have this incredible capacity to forgive. If it had been the other way around, I don’t think I would be able to do that.’

Rita has said the same, that other people perhaps wouldn’t be so accepting. ‘It hasn’t been easy. But that isn’t the point.’ I’m not going to lie to him. ‘I got to thinking, this isn’t just about us, is it? There’s Max and Grace to think about.’ I pause. ‘I’ve been thinking a lot about what love means, Miles. I’m not talking about falling in love. But I think you and I have found a different kind, that comes from deeply caring what happens to each other – and our family.’ I pause. ‘This has been a test, hasn’t it?’ I gaze at my husband.

‘It’s me who’s tested us,’ he says quietly. ‘I can see it now though, we’re just very different people, aren’t we?’

‘Yes. I think we are.’ I pause. ‘So what do you propose we do next?’

‘Someone from a healthcare company is going to get in touch,’ he says. ‘I think we both know it needs to happen. We don’t need to make a big deal of it. We can tell the kids I need help after my fall.’

But on this, I strongly differ. ‘I think we need to be straight with them. They can see what’s happening to you. It’s more worrying for them if we don’t talk about what’s going on.’

‘In that case, I trust your judgement.’ Miles is silent for a moment. ‘I’m not really in a position to disagree.’

I should have known by now that Max would be ahead of me. When I tell him about Miles having trouble with the stairs, he looks sad.

‘He isn’t getting better, is he?’ Tears fill his eyes. ‘I really hoped he would.’

‘I know you did,’ I say gently. ‘We all did. But it’s a horrible illness. He’s in good spirits, though, Max. Surprisingly so. And it’s nice that you’re spending time together.’

‘I keep thinking how he never used to want to,’ he says. ‘Why did it take cancer to make him so different?’

In other words, why couldn’t it have happened before? ‘I think it’s what happens, sometimes,’ I say. ‘It makes someone appreciate the people in their lives. They look at things differently – not always, but certainly in your father’s case.’

‘You do so much for him, Mum,’ he says. ‘He hasn’t been nice to you. He’s lucky you’re looking after him.’

I put my arms around my son. ‘It feels like the right thing to do.’ I pause. ‘Whatever’s happened in the past, we’re still a family.’

Grace is more emotional, especially as she’s aware that time is running out. She’s also angry, anger I can’t help thinking stems from years of emotional disconnect from her father. Time they’ll never get back. ‘Why does he need help?’ she asks tearfully. She’s in denial. ‘Can’t he do everything himself?’

‘His body is affected by the tumour,’ I say.

‘Then shouldn’t he be in hospital?’ she says. Then in her next breath, ‘Can I go to Tallie’s this weekend?’

‘If it’s OK with Charley.’ I make a note to self to call her and fill her in, because in reality, it would be a godsend. After all, no one knows better than she does what cancer does to a family.

And so we take another step along this journey. It’s intense, like no other time in my life, while I try to focus on the positives – my relationship with Miles, and the one building positively between Miles and Max. Always trying not to look too far ahead. To take each day at a time.

Watching Miles decline takes all the emotional resilience I have, and as Christmas comes closer, I put my heart and soul into what I know will be our last family Christmas together. The usual rush of shopping for gifts and pre-Christmas cooking gets even more shoehorned into interludes that have grown rarer. But nevertheless, I am determined to make this Christmas memorable.

At the last minute, Rita asks if she can join us. ‘My parents are going to Barbados,’ she says. ‘You’d think they would have given me some warning. Please, Holls. Can I spend it with you?’

‘I would love you to.’ My words are heartfelt. ‘You’ll never guess what happened.’

‘You saw Riggs,’ she says straight away.

‘Actually, I did – while Miles was in hospital. He’s a father. Emma had a son,’ I tell her.