Page 12 of Sorry

It was Wednesday and I hadn't heard from Miss Jenny after that day, until she saw me that morning, walking into Matt and Jake's house. She called me across the street and I walked over to her, hands in the pockets of my black cargo pants; with a leather toolbelt around my hips.

“Hey Miss Jenny, how are you?” I said, smiling.

“Ah you know how it is, very sad times. We are all already missing Mila’s visits in the mornings, with her baked goods and dry humor. We will really feel it on our poker nights.” her words laced with sorrow.

“I am very sorry Miss Jenny. I didn’t know her very well, but I knew she was very much loved around the town.” I said softly.

“Yeah, she really was. Sam came on a Saturday. Poor lost soul all alone in the world, such a gentle creature, we all tried to help him with funeral arrangements but he refused. He thanked us for all we did, said ‘he’s got this’ and that it's not his first time dealing with a funeral home. He had to bury both of his parents within three months of each other, when he was barely an adult and he did it all by himself. He didn't let Mila help because he didn't want her to worry about anything, after losing her son.” Miss Jenny said, holding back her tears.

“How come I never saw her grandson around?” I asked hesitantly.

“Ah that's a sad story too. He got into a relationship with a much older man, and from what Mila said, he was not very nice. I don't know the full story but around the time his parents passed away, he went from coming over every weekend and staying over in his old room, to coming once every few months and only staying for a few hours. Mila was very sad about it. Nobody ever saw the man he was with, he never came along with Sam, it was very odd.” She whispered, as if she was delivering the FBI's most secret information, even though there was no one around us.

“Yea, that is odd.” I added, my mind swirling with more information about the guy I couldn't seem to stop thinking about.

“Anyways my dear, I will let you go to work. I kept you long enough. I need to bring Sam some breakfast and his favorite herbal tea, and to try to get him to eat something. He hasn't left the house since he arrived on Saturday, he is making me worried and the funeral is tomorrow; at 9:30am in the Lantry cemetery. You and the boys should come. To show love and support, and show him we are all there for him in these hard moments.” She patted my arm, smiling up at me.

“I will, and I will let the guys know too, take care, Miss Jenny. You know my number, give me a call if you ever need anything”

“Thank you Alex, you are a good egg.” We said our goodbyes, and I walked back to Matt and Jake' house.

I filled the guys in about what Miss Jenny told me. I was still reeling about the fact that he was in the house next door. Maybe I built him up in my head. My messed up head from my messed up home life. I might have imagined how I felt when I looked at him, and how I felt when I noticed he was shaking, wanting to soothe him. The fact that he appeared in my dreams, with just his pretty face and his big amber eyes. I felt guilty for having those thoughts, I’m married and I am loyal, even though she wasn’t and felt no guilt about it.

I was not that guy. I should have been in an existential crisis that I’d just discovered my sexuality wasn't what I thought it was. But I was not freaking out at the fact I was clearly bisexual, I was never homophobic, and I was not about to be when it comes to myself. Those first few days were rough, I was taken by surprise, I needed some time to process my shit. I was so glad I opened up to the guys because I would probably still be crashing out if I didn't.

On our way to work, Matt and Jake told me it had been very quiet next door since everyone left on Friday night, after cleaning Mila’s house. Eerily quiet even. That's why they were surprised, when I told them he had been in there since Saturday.

Later that day, we packed up all our tools, making sure to leave nothing behind, as it was our last day on this site. I am hoping a new job pops up soon, as Tess will be off work from next week. We made a plan to go to the funeral in the morning together, and show up especially for Sam because it's truly heartbreaking the amount of loss he’s had at such a young age.

I wasn’t looking forward to tomorrow, I didn't like seeing people or animals suffering. It made me want to take it all away from them, to help, to solve the problem. But with the loss, there was nothing I could do to fix it. I could only show up and be there for anybody who needed it.

CHAPTER 15

SAM

Iwas hiding. I was paralyzed with fear but at the same time trying to deal with a broken heart. As well as trying to ignore everything in this house that reminded me of Baka. I was living in a nightmare. Torn between fear and overwhelming grief. I arrived on Saturday morning, with multiple people waiting at the house. Everyone approached me with careful concern, I probably looked like I was two seconds from collapsing.

This community was amazing. I walked inside Baka’s living room noticing a strong smell of lemon cleaning products, the place was so spotless, you could eat off of the floors. It made me choke up. They had all done this for me, I was so grateful for them and it made my heart hurt a little less. I hadn’t been here for her as much as I wanted to be. But I was glad knowing Baka was surrounded by these people, who would give you the last bite off of their plates.

I sat on my spot on her little couch, and stared at the empty armchair with my glasses and shoes on, clutching my backpack on my shoulder so hard, my fingers were going numb. I barely said a few words, a few thank you’s when people offered their condolences. There were approximately ten people pottering quietly around, doing the finishing touches, collecting cleaning products and getting ready to leave, when Miss Jenny approached me and sat beside me on the couch.

“Sam darlin’. How… I mean that's a silly question. I see you aren't doing well. Please tell me how we can help you. Do you want to stay in my spare room if this is too much for you? Would you like me to call the funeral home instead? You can just be beside me and I'll pass on the information from you?”

The lump in my throat became bigger, it was almost too hard to swallow. Their kindness felt weird after being given none for so long. I reluctantly turned away from staring at Baka's chair; where she took her last breath just yesterday, and turned to face Miss Jenny. “I am so grateful for everything.” I paused to gather myself, “I got it from here, I did it before, you know.... I want to do it for Baka. I could at least do this last thing for her, when I couldn't be here for her when I should have been.”

She gasped, eyes wide. “Sam! I won’t have this! Bite your tongue child. If Mila heard you blaming yourself for anything, she would have whopped your behind and you know it! Don’t you dare! She loved you with every fiber of her being, she talked about you every day. She was sad when you started coming less but she was more worried than anything, we all were. Your grandmother was such a smart, sharp woman, she knew more than we all thought. Okay?! Now, I will bring you some food, you look hungry and your favorite tea. And when you have had some rest, you can call Jones Funeral Home, they know to expect your call.” She hugged me then got up to leave, and the rest of the people followed.

I sat in the same spot for a long time. Realizing that when everything went up in flames in my life, I left without any of my stuff. One set of clothes that I was wearing, my sunglasses, phone charger and backpack. I didn’t know if Kyle would find me and if he did, I didn’t know what he would do, and I was suddenly all alone.

Later that day I phoned the funeral home, and made all the arrangements. I went through all the questions with Mister Jones, and I did it all without breaking down.

Miss Jenny came back and brought me sandwiches and hibiscus tea with strawberries. I couldn't stomach the food. My stomach was churning just thinking about eating from the nerves. She wasn't happy with me so I took two bites and swallowed bile with it. She noticed and told me to put it in the fridge and try to eat it later on. I did drink the tea. It was yummy but I was not myself and couldn't fully enjoy it.

When I placed the sandwich in the fridge I saw that it was stocked up with butter, milk, some sandwich meats, bread and Baka’s jam jars she made. Plum ones were my favorite and there are only two jars left. Two jars… The last two jars I will ever eat.

Miss Jenny left and told me she would be back to check on me in the morning. I locked the door, which probably hadn't been locked since I was a little kid. I needed to make sure no one could come in and see me naked, as I had to put my clothes to wash. Luckily Baka had a dryer so it would be ready in the morning. I had to order some more online because I was never going back to our old house and movers will be taking it all away. I took one of Baka’s old regular t-shirts. I was small so it fit me, it was even a little bit too big on me.

I walked upstairs to my old bedroom and tried to go to sleep, thinking of my Baka and how much I wished I was there for her in her last moments.