Page 79 of The Heart You Kept

The guilt is eating me alive.

I’m blocking Edward’s number and I’m forgetting all about this stupid internship idea. Nothing good can come of me believing that Edward Prescott and I could be friends when it’s blatantly clear that we can’t.

The sexual chemistry between us is way too strong.

I will not be that nasty girl. I will respect my beautiful boyfriend and I will push down any attraction I have to Edward Prescott.

You in that spa bath was the single hottest sexual experience of my life.

Unfortunately, his admission has taken me back to a time when we were wet with perspiration, skin slapping and the moans…god, the moans. Over and over and over again until I can’t take it anymore and I drag open my tear-filled eyes.

What the hell am I going to do?

“River Sorenson,” the dean calls out.

A huge smile covers my face as Dad, Raylyn and I clap ferociously as we watch our beloved brother and son walk up onto the stage. Looking every bit the medical school graduate that he now is, he accepts his honor and turns and smiles over at us.

A knife runs straight through my heart and my eyes fill with tears; I quickly try to wipe them away before anyone sees.

Mom should be here to see this.

I know she would have given anything to be here to celebrate this day. I glance over to see Dad wiping his eyes too and I know he’s having the exact same thought as I am. I put my arm around him and kiss his cheek and he puts his hand over mine as we smile up at River through our tears.

We don’t talk about Mom all that often, simply because it hurts too much and nobody wants to upset anyone. But some days the emptiness she left is so chasmic that no pretending could ever fill the hole.

My nostrils flare as River’s silhouette blurs. I really need to talk to you today, Mom.

So you could tell me that I’m not a bad person, that everything’s going to be alright.

I’ve hardly slept since Friday, I feel like I’m on the precipice of a monumental life-changing mistake, one that I won’t be able to come back from.

Raylyn is tougher than me, more together. She’s older and married to her high school sweetheart. She would never be tempted by the devil, and even if she were, she would never give in to it.

I need to be more like her, more…together. I want to make my mom proud, and thinking and feeling like this isn’t the way to do that. My eyes well with tears of disappointment.

As if sensing my current mental state, Dad’s arm slinks around my shoulder and he pulls me close and kisses my temple. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “It’s going to be okay.”

I nod through tears, the lump in my throat hurts as I try my hardest to hold everything in. “I know.” I force a smile.

And I do know.

I’m not the first girl to be confused, and it really isn’t that hard, or at least it shouldn’t be. But admitting to myself that maybe I’m not in love with Pascal is a hard pill to swallow.

Because I should be.

He’s a beautiful man who deserves so much better than being dragged over the coals and lied to. I’m disgusted that his girlfriend has a sexual attraction to a man that he hates. And no matter how much I want to deny it, and push it away, for the life of me I can’t stop thinking about Edward.

Mr. Doe.

He’s in my every waking thought, starring in my nightmares, and making me ache like never before. He’s haunting me…even though we have no future, even though he’s with someone else. If that fact alone isn’t the biggest red flag in history, I don’t know what is.

I fucked your mouth and I blew so fucking hard.

He has a girlfriend and he’s saying that to someone else. A woman he once slept with.

This isn’t a fairy tale of long-lost eternal love.

My relationship with Edward is nothing more than a carnal attraction that’s going to hurt people.