Page 66 of The Irresistible Distraction

“Mackenzie and I had so much in common⁠—”

I put up a hand. “I don’t think I need to hear this.”

“It’s important, Sophs. Really, because you need to understand my reasoning. Mackenzie was everything I thought I wanted in a woman: She’s confident and successful, beautiful and self-possessed. Adventurous and fun. We learned to surf together, and we spent our free days bouldering at the local rock-climbing gym. But . . . I’m not sure she ever wants children. And Sebastian will be nothing but an unwanted responsibility to her. I started thinking about everything you’ve done for Sebastian, and from there, it wasn’t difficult to admit to myself, finally, that in the back of my mind, I always kind of thought you and I were endgame.”

If the words had come a few months ago, or maybe even a week ago, would I have been moved?

Maybe.

Probably not.

“It sounds like you dated a doctor and then realized you wanted a stay-at-home wife. Which doesn’t put you in a particularly flattering light.”

Jesse scoots along the couch until he’s able to take my hands in his. He doesn’t ask, and I find myself missing the way Brody always waits for my consent (while yes . . . pushing boundaries). “You never used to deliberately misunderstand me.”

“We’ve been divorced for nine years, Jesse. Don’t you think all of this is a little delayed?”

“Men’s brains develop more slowly, isn’t that what you always told me?”

“You would have learned the same thing, in the same classroom.”

He smiles briefly. “AP Psychology, Mrs. Lewis. I’m just saying that my time with Mackenzie, the woman who was perfect on paper, helped me realize that what’s true for me and Mackenzie is going to be true for you and Brody or any other man you might consider dating. Anyone else we date will always see Sebastian as baggage, the remnants of a past relationship.”

This is harsh enough that I stand up, walking over to check that Sebastian’s bedroom door is closed. I move the air purifier until it’s in the hallway outside his bedroom. I bought it two years ago because Sebastian’s had trouble with seasonal allergies, but I usually forget to start it because it’s annoying and loud. Tonight, however, I’m just grateful it’s there to provide necessary white noise. Sebastian’s got enough issues with self-confidence that he really doesn’t need to hear his father.

Also, it’s telling that Jesse isn’t used to lowering his voice, even when talking about potentially sensitive topics. When I return to my seat, I lower my voice a tad more, despite the purifier running in the background. “That’s a really shitty way to describe our son, who is a lovely kid.”

“I’m just trying to point out the reality of our situations, something I’ve been far too slow to understand. I know you stayed and I left, but neither of us ever can or will leave Sebastian.”

I find myself hyperfixating on his words, that he thinks of it in terms of can or can’t.

He can’t leave Sebastian.

I won’t leave Sebastian, would never even consider it.

“And so your solution is that we date?”

“My proposal is that, now that I’m moving back here, we start having some of the tougher conversations. I know I agreed that Seba could skip a couple of grades, but I’d like to potentially revisit that, to talk about the medication in more detail, to discuss whether we owe it to Sebastian to give it another try.”

I suck in a breath at how manipulative this is, how casually he leverages decisions he knows I’ve felt an unhealthy amount of guilt over. “So Sebastian can try medication if I agree to date you?”

“Of course not. I’m saying we owe it to ourselves and our son to maybe spend a little more time together, as a family. We were kids when we had him.”

Because I’m still angry and apparently that means I’ll allow myself to say whatever comes to mind. “You were a kid, and you got to stay a kid, to go off to college and resume your life, to date, find people like Mackenzie and find a love of surfing. I never got to be a kid again, not even during my last year of high school.”

“That’s why I’m here, Sophs.” His eyes are serious, crinkling at the sides as if he’s asking a question he already knows the answer to. “I’m going to make it up to you. I make enough now, have enough savings that we never need to live with my parents again. I can buy us a new house.” He looks around, no doubt noting the shaggy carpet that hasn’t changed in years, the old sagging couch we used to sit on while we watched movies together after studying. “I can finally provide you with the life I should have all those years ago.”

When I start shaking my head, because I really do not need to think about this to know what my decision is, Jesse stops me by holding a hand up.

“I know I shouldn’t have rushed this. And I had planned on going far more slowly, I promise. But I saw you with that man and . . . Just, don’t answer right away, please?”

I don’t owe Jesse anything, have already wasted far too many years pining for a reconciliation that really . . . wasn’t what I wanted, but still, I try to let him down gently. “What if I already know my answer?”

“Then give me a chance to change your mind.”

BRODY: You okay?

ME: Great. Jesse is staying at his parents’ and coming back to drop Seba off at school in the morning, so they can spend a little extra time together.