Page 8 of Ruthless Edge

The food arrives then, and for a few minutes we're all occupied with the business of eating and the conversation drifts, and I feel something in my shoulders come down for the first time since this morning. The tight, hunted feeling hasn't fully left, but it's loosened enough that I can take a full breath. I can do this. Eight weeks is not that long. I have done difficult things before.

I'm halfway through my eggs when Sienna, with the perfect timing she always has, says "So Laura was at the meeting?"

I set my fork down. "She was."

The reaction around the table is immediate and unanimous. Rory says "ugh" out loud. Paige drops her head back. Sienna rolls her eyes.

"I hate Laura," Rory says, with great feeling. "I've hated Laura for years. I don't know how Knox can't see through her."

"Because she performs for him specifically," Sienna says.

"She changes herself based on whoever she wants attention from," Paige says. "Like she’s a completely different person. Did I tell you she started posting about environmental science when she found out Declan was in a class with her? She'd never mentioned it once in her life. Then suddenly she's sharing articles about conservation to the guy majoring in environmental science."

"She goes after all the athletes. Can’t even stick to the football players she cheers for," Rory says.

"You should’ve seen her with Declan. She was doing the whole thing, the specific interests, knowing things she didn't know before. Declan didn't even notice, which, honestly, good for him."

"She always has to be the focus," Rory says. "With every guy. She sees every other girl as competition and she can't stand losing."

I eat my toast and I keep my own thoughts to myself, because my thoughts are less flattering and also more specific than theirs. Laura Prescott has been in Knox's orbit since before I knew who Knox was. She's been at every hockey house party, every team event, every group outing, for years, at least according to everyone. She knows his friends, she knows his brothers, she knows his schedule. She's built an entire life around the edges of his.

And Knox has never looked at her like anything other than a friend. He says, at least.

I don't actually understand that part. Laura is beautiful and she works incredibly hard at being exactly what men want, and Knox seems genuinely fond of her, but no one has talked about them being anything more than friends. She'd had her hand on his shoulder today and he hadn't even seemed to register it. He'd been scanning the room.

He'd been looking at the door.

But that doesn't mean anything. He probably enjoys the attention. Men like Knox always enjoy the attention. It's easy to not pursue someone who's always going to be there, always available, always angled toward you. You don't have to do anything. The option is just open.

Whatever the dynamic is between them, it's their business. Laura can spend the next eight weeks being draped over Knox in every SAB meeting we have, and I'll sit on the other side of the table and be professional and not look at either of them unless I have to. The same way I’ve acted every time we pass each other around campus.

That's the plan. That's the whole plan.

The March sun has moved and the heater under our umbrella is doing less work now, but none of us have moved to leave. Paige has stolen my last piece of toast and is eating it without apology, and Rory is telling a story about something Jace said this week that has Sienna actually smiling, which is an event, and for a few minutes I'm just here, just in this moment, and Knox Carter and his stupid grin doesn't exist.

Then, without meaning to, I think about freshman English.

I think about the first time Knox made me laugh so hard I had to cover my mouth with my notebook so the professor didn't turn around. Something about the assigned reading, some impression he'd done of a historical figure, I can't even remember the specifics, just the quality of the moment, the way my shoulders were shaking and his eyes were bright and he was watching me try not to fall apart like that was the exact outcome he'd been going for.

I think about the coffee he remembered to bring.

The movie link with no explanation.

The study sessions that went an hour longer than they needed to because neither of us left.

For one unguarded moment, I miss that person. The one I thought I knew. I miss him the way you miss something you never actually had.

I push it back down immediately, where it belongs.

That person didn't exist. I built him out of what I wanted him to be, out of coffee orders and stayed-too-long study sessions, and the reality of who Knox Carter actually is turned up at the end of a gala in a message delivered by a girl with a sad face, and I've known the truth for three years. There's nothing to miss, but now I need to make my heart understand that.

There's just a co-chair I have to work with for eight weeks, and a gala to run, and a graduate school application for psychology that could use a good entry for campus leadership experience.

I can do that.

I reach over and take back half my toast from Paige.

"Hey," she says.