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City Girl for the Cowboy Daddy

Page 159

by Lucky Moon

***

The bunkhouse was dark by nine.

Not the usual dark — the dark that came after a day that had used itself up. This dark came with the weight of the arena still on us, the dust still in the air, the silence where the crowd had been. The lamp was lit. The table was clear except for the report, which Priya had written in three drafts, each one on a separate sheet, each one more precise than the last. The final version sat on the table in her left-hand handwriting, slanted and careful, the letters cramped where the wrist had tired.

I’d been sitting across from her for an hour. I’d eaten the dinner I’d made — the chili, reheated, the last of it — and she’d eaten half a bowl, sitting down, the left hand holding the spoon. She’d eaten it without tasting it. I’d watched her chew and swallow and set the spoon down and pick up the phone and dial the hospital and I’d known that the sitting was for me and the eating was for me and the real Priya was somewhere behind her eyes, running the thing she ran when the world broke: the accounting.

“Cash.”

I looked at her. She’d said my name. Not Daddy. Not the small voice from the floor or the bed or the tack room bench. My name. The name on the mail. The name the whole valley used.

“Can you take me to Ennis in the morning? To pick him up?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll have the timing by seven. I’ll call the hospital at six and confirm the release and I’ll have the truck loaded by the time you’re ready.”

“Okay.”

She picked up the phone. Started scrolling. The screen lit her face from below and the shadows it cast were the ones I’d been watching her cover with concealer — the ones that came from sleeplessness and vigilance and the exhaustion of a woman who couldn’t stop watching.

“Hey,” I said.

She looked up.

“You called me Cash.”

“That’s your name.”

“It is. You’ve called me something else for a while.”

Her face did something. A stillness, brief, the kind that came before a recalibration. “It’s been a long day.”

“It has.”

“I don’t think — tonight — I can’t—” She stopped. Looked at the phone. Looked at me. “It’s your name. That’s all.”

It wasn’t all. The word had a different weight when she said it now than it had carried the first week. The first week, “Cash” had been the professional address — the contractor’s name, the client’s name, the word you used for the person you were working with and nothing more. Then it had become “Daddy” — chosen, placed, offered from the place where she was small and held. Now it was “Cash” again, and the return of it sat between us with the quality of a door being closed from the inside.

Not locked. Closed. The difference mattered.

“You don’t have to explain,” I said.

“I’m not explaining. I’m just — it’s what I can do right now.”

“Okay.”

She went back to the phone. I sat across from her and drank water and watched the screen light her face and the shadows shift and the phone stay faceup on the table where the agreement said it shouldn’t be, and I didn’t reach for it. I didn’t mention the shelf. I didn’t mention the rule about nine o’clock or the rule about screens after dark or the rule about meals sitting down or any of the rules we’d written on a morning that felt like it had happened to a different pair of people.

She’d told me to let her. I was letting her.

At ten, she was still on the phone. At eleven, the phone was down but the clipboard was up — the site plan, the bull test protocol, the run of show for August. She was reviewing it. Not editing — reviewing, her eyes moving down the page, checking, the woman who checked everything when the world had broken: the system of knowing everything and missing nothing.

I understood it now. I understood it the way I understood the rodeo — from the inside, from the years of watching the same instinct drive the same behavior. She wasn’t checking because she thought she’d missed something. She was checking because the checking was the only thing that stood between her and the memory of the time she’d stopped checking and the world had broken.

Marcus. The grandstand. The bracing she didn’t go back and check.

And now Tuck. The bull. The collarbone she’d documented in three drafts.