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City Girl for the Cowboy Daddy

Page 171

by Lucky Moon

“Mr. Halloran.”

“Ansel. Four years you’ve worked for me and it’s still Mr. Halloran.” A pause, the length he always left, half a second longer than the conversation required. “I read the piece. The Montana paper.”

“Of course you did.”

“Everyone in this industry reads everything, which is the reason we all drink.” I heard him turn the glass — I knew that sound, the quarter-turn on the desk, the signal that the next sentence had been rehearsed on the drive to the office. “I’m not calling about the piece. I’m calling because the piece is wrong, and I’ve been meaning to have this conversation for two years, and the piece has saved me the trouble of an excuse.”

I sat down at the white table. The blue binder was still open to page one, exactly where I’d left it, and I closed the laptop so the table would hold nothing but the phone and the sound of his voice.

“Priya, I read the review. I read it the week it came out. I’ve read it since. You raised the grandstand bracing twice. You documented it twice. The site lead altered the bracing after your inspection, without notifying production, and the review said so in paragraph four, and anyone in this business who has run a build site for more than a season knows exactly what happened, which is that a man your crew liked told you it was handled and you had no authority to check his work. That’s the whole of it. The carrier’s letter is constructed, the article is lazy, and the county will process the amendment because the woman who wrote it did everything right.”

“I know,” I said, and heard the smallness of it, and he heard it too, because he was quiet for his half second.

“You know it up here,” he said, and I could hear him touch his own temple, a gesture I’d watched him make across a desk a hundred times. “I’m asking about elsewhere.”

The sublet was quiet. The leaf blower had the day off. Somewhere below, a door in the building closed, and the elevator worked, and Denver went on being a city full of people producing things.

“I have an opening,” he said. “Staff. Senior producer, own division, my floor. Not a contract — staff. Salary, benefits, the firm’s policy behind you, which means no carrier can do to you what this carrier did, because the firm’s paper is forty years thick and carriers don’t play games with forty years. You’d have a team under you. You wouldn’t be out there alone with a policy number and a post-office box.” He let it sit. He was the only man I’d ever worked for who understood that an offer left on the table did its own work, and that pressing it only moved it away. “I’ve been trying to hire you back for two years. I’m finally saying it out loud.”

It was a good offer. It was a good offer from a good man at a good firm, and the salary would have covered the debt in three years, and the policy would have covered me, and the team would have covered the four-a.m. shift, and the office had a window and the window had Denver on the other side of it and Denver had my whole life on the other side of it, or the shape of what my whole life had been.

“Riverline was never your fault,” he said. “Everyone knows it. Everyone knew it then. You have to let yourself hear that, Priya. The whole industry holds you in—”

“Everyone,” I said.

“Everyone.”

“Then everyone can tell me what I’m supposed to do with a review that says I did everything right and a man whose back broke anyway.”

The glass turned a quarter turn on his desk. I’d rattled him, and Ansel rattled was Ansel slow, and Ansel slow was Ansel careful, and the pause went long enough that I heard his building through the phone — the elevator shaft, the distant lobby.

“That’s not a question a review can answer,” he said at last.

“No,” I said. “It isn’t.”

And there it was. That was the whole of it, arrived at in a white sublet over a closed binder, on day seven. Ansel Halloran had the file. He’d read the file twice a year for two years, out of a fondness he’d never disguised, and everything he knew about me was in the file — the reviews, the clearance, the paragraph four, the everyone-knows. He could recite my innocence in full sentences, at length, specifically, and every sentence was true, and every sentence landed on me at exactly the wrong angle, because absolution handed to you by someone who only knows the file is a receipt, and I had a drawer full of receipts, and what I had never once been given — not by the industry, not by the review, not by the kind ones, whose kindness was worse — was a single hour with somebody who knew the woman and not the record.

I thought about a tack room. Cedar, neatsfoot oil, dust in a light shaft. A rope in my lap and a voice beside my ear saying “That’s not the same as not caring, Priya,” and the sentence landing at the right angle, the only angle that had ever gone in.

“Priya,” Ansel said. “The offer stands. It stands whether you take it today or in March. I don’t need an answer today.”

“I know you don’t.” I paused. “Ansel?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t.” The rest wouldn’t assemble. I tried it in my head first — I can’t come back to a floor where everyone knows it wasn’t my fault, because I’d spend every day on that floor being the woman from the file, being cleared, being the review in a cardigan — and the sentence was true and it wouldn’t fit in a mouth. “It’s not — the offer is good. You’re good. I can’t.”

“May I ask—”

“I don’t have it in sentences yet. I’m sorry.”

He was quiet for his half second. Then the glass turned back.

“Then I won’t ask,” he said. “Take care of yourself, Priya.”

“Goodbye, Ansel.”

“Goodbye.”