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“I didn’t lie!” She gasps now. Horrified that I might call her out on her bullshit. That can be shortened to BS – yes, I am learning acronyms.
“Let’s just order lunch, I’ll try not bore you to tears, and then we can both just leave.”
“You mean you didn’t book a room?” She flutters her false eyelashes at me.
“A room for what? I can literally see my apartment building from here. It’s right across the river. I don’t need a roo—” Oh God, she thought we were going to… What the fucking, fuck? “No, I did not book a room! I am not screwing a stranger from the internet that isn’t even who they said they were on a first date.”
“Lower your voice,” she hisses.
“I will not.” I push my chair back, stand up, and glare down at this poor desperate woman. “I’m going to leave now. This has definitely not been a pleasure.” I throw a hundred dollars from my wallet on the table like I am in one of those dramatic chick-flicks and walk right back out the way I came in. Two blocks later I’m sweating, hot, and still angry. Suits are not made for summer in the city. Why do people even do this? I book an Uber, and wait in a sliver of sidewalk shade for my driver to arrive. At least I don't need to drive home; I might have an episode of road rage after my encounter with Karen-and-a-half. When I get home I’m googling how to delete Tinder. This is not how I plan to spend my retirement.
I slam the door like I am one of my children, and stalk to the kitchen. I need a stiff drink and food. My stomach is growling, it’s like it echoes the way I feel. I shouldn’t be this angry over this. I think I am just shocked.
“That was fast? What are you, speed dating?” Lycan says wandering into the kitchen in nothing but his boxers and sex hair.
“It didn’t work out. Turns out she’s not who I thought she was.”
“Catfish?”
“Yeah, that thing.” I shake my head.
“There’s a ton of those, you just get used to it,” he says.
“Why do you get used to it? Why do people do that? Why not just be yourself?”
“Have you met yourself, Dad?” he says, looking confused. I don’t understand the world. Numbers, ledgers, risk management, what to do with your money. I understand that, but people, not a fucking clue anymore. Lycan pours me a whiskey, like he can read my mind. “No one wants the real anyone. They want perfection.”
“Perfect doesn’t exist.” It doesn’t, not even in maths.
“It does. It’s just different for everyone.” Lycan sounds all philosophical, like love is his new found profession.
“You’re giving advice high on pheromones. Or post sex stupidity. I can’t take you seriously; I’m also not about to take love and dating advice from my kids who think Tinder is where to find a mate.”
“A mate is all you’ll probably find on there, Dad.” He makes lewd hand gestures and laughs before grabbing a bottle of water and going back to his room.
“Hey,” I call after him. “Wrap it up, I am too young for grandkids. No one wants to date a grandad.” He chuckles, shaking his head at me.
“Dad,” Tala calls from the balcony. “You’re home.”
“Do not even ask,” I say holding up a hand.
“Are you free tomorrow to go get measured for tuxes, and my dress?” she asks with a giddy smile. “They can fit us all in if we go tomorrow.”
“Sure, sweetheart, that’s fine. I’m available; I’m retired remember?” I wink, and join her outside overlooking the river.
“I am so excited for this party. Everyone is talking about it already.” She chats enthusiastically about all their plans. “Mom is a bit peeved you didn’t tell her. Just a heads up.”
“She’s in another country. Getting married — what can she be peeved about? That woman needs a head doctor.” I don’t even pretend to understand my ex anymore.
“You didn’t tell her you’re throwing us a party.”
“It’s none of her business!” I don’t need to tell her anything, she’s not my wife anymore. “I’m so glad you’re excited about this. Are your brothers helping?”
“No, God no. I told them I’ll do everything. They’re not qualified to help — they’re boys.”
“I guess I have been made redundant then, all you need is my credit card.” I wink.
“Ah Dad, you know how these things are.”
