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The Faceoff

Page 124

by Tamsyn Bester

“It’s a fair line of inquiry.” She turns back to him, sweet as a subpoena. “You’re in town how long?”

“Flying out in the morning.” He doesn’t flinch. He likes her, I can tell, he likes that she’s coming straight at him. “Boston, then home, then a thing I have to do that I’m not going to ruin a good dinner with.”

“And your intentions toward this household in the window remaining?”

“Eat what I’m given,” Danny says. “Embarrass my sister at least twice. Make sure the big one’s not a problem.” He tips his head at Beau without looking at him.

“I’m not a problem,” Beau says.

“I’ll be the judge,” Danny says, and Margo says, “objection,” and June says “overruled, he’s right there being lovely,” and it rolls on like that, easy, the way a table rolls when nobody at it is performing, and I am the only one performing, and I’m good enough that not one of them can tell.

June has decided Danny is a project. She’s three questions into his life — does he sleep enough over there, is it cold, has he got anybody looking after him — and he’s answering all of it with the baffled patience of a man who hasn’t been fussed over by a soft person in a long time, maybe in his life.

“There’s a mess hall,” he says, when she circles back to the food. “I eat. I promise.”

“A mess hall is not a person cooking for you,” June says, like that closes it, and lands another scoop on his plate, and beside her Wren says, not looking up, “Just take it, she won’t stop,” and Danny takes it.

Wren’s been the quiet kind of present all night, watching the room from its edge, and somewhere in there she and Danny find each other on that same rail, because he does it too.

“You play,” he says to her. Not a question. He’s clocked the way she holds her shoulders.

“Women’s. D-line.”

“She’s the only one here who could actually take Beau,” Margo says proudly.

“She’s the only one here who could take all of us,” Wyatt says, mild, and Wren smiles, small and real, and Theo beside her says nothing in a way that says plenty, and I watch my roommate and my brother recognize each other across a table neither of them ever expected to sit at.

And it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. That’s the whole trouble with it. There’s nothing wrong anywhere in this room — no flaw to point at, no bad night to hold up as evidence. It’s good all the way down, every face at the table good, and I’m sitting in the middle of more good than I’ve ever been handed, already rehearsing how to give it back.

It’s the plays that do it. In the end it’s the plays.

“She used to put on plays,” Danny says — to June, who asked what I was like small. June asks everyone what they were like small, it’s her whole heart in a question. “In the living room. Full productions. Wrote and directed them, cast me in every part going, because I was the only other person who’d —” and there it is, the smallest catch, half a breath where the real story lives, the one about who else was in that house and who wouldn’t have shown up for a living-room play if you paid them, and it passes so fast that only Danny and I feel the floor of it “— who’d show up. I played the hero, the villain, the horse. One time I played weather.”

“You played weather,” Beau says, lit up.

“I was a fog. A convincing fog.”

“You were a terrible fog,” I tell him, because the room wants me in it and for once I let the room have me. “You kept narrating. You’d just announce yourself. ‘I am the fog’.”

“Fog doesn’t narrate,” Wren says.

“Thank you, Wren.” Danny points at her. “Finally. A woman of standards in a house of savages.”

And the table laughs, and June’s got a hand pressed to her chest, and Margo’s demanding to know whether there’s footage, and Beau has turned to look at me with his whole stupid open face like I’ve just handed him a present, like the picture of a small, bossy girl directing fog in a living room is a thing he gets to keep now, and I’m laughing too, I can hear myself doing it, and I let Danny have my childhood at this table in front of these people, which is a thing I have never once done in my life.

That’s the high point. I want to be accurate about that later, when I take the night apart. That, right there, is the top of it.

Then Danny looks at me.

Not at the story, not at the room. At me. And his face has stopped being funny. It’s gone quiet and full, and it’s doing a thing I have watched it not get to do for twenty years, because there was nothing in our lives to make it do this. He’s looking at the table and the warm crowded house and the three girls who’d bury a body for me and the big easy boy with his arm slung along the back of my chair, and he’s proud. He’s relieved, in a way that goes all the way down, the relief of a man who has spent a decade on a phone every Wednesday quietly afraid he handed his little sister a life she’d never let anyone into.

And it goes cold in my chest. Cold and clear and very fast, the way the bad clarity always comes, all at once and from the floor up.

Because Danny knows everything. Danny was there for the kitchen floor and the coat that never came back. Danny knows what the house was and what our father is and what runs in the line we both came out of. He knows the exact dimensions of what I’m made of, down to the foundation, and he is sitting at this table looking at Beau Sorensen, and he approves.

Which takes the last lie off the table.

I’d been keeping one. I keep an inventory of my own lies the way other people keep receipts, and the one I’d been living on these three months was simple and it was load-bearing: Beau doesn’t know what he’s getting. He’s in love with the girl at the table. The composed one, the one who hosts and lands the dry line and comes down for air on a Sunday with her boots on his dash. And the day the real one surfaces — the floor one, the one who counts exits, the one with the blood she’s got — he’ll do what they all do. He’ll go. So it doesn’t count. So I can let myself have it, because it isn’t real, because it’s rented and he hasn’t read the lease.