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Let me know if I can help.

‘Strength today’ is a typical wish in such cases; only Luuk couldn’t have imagined how much of it was needed for this nightmare of a day. Or how grateful I am for his text.

Me

Thank you so much.

Me

Talk soon.

Luuk

I read and re-read the two words on my screen, tempted to ask, ‘How soon?’

‘Talk soon’ can mean anything—from hours to days to weeks. Corrie definitely doesn’t want to stop our communication, but I want to know whether I can actually call her and when. At least my selfishness is honest. Yes, I want to check on her and properly offer my condolences, but I also want to hear her voice, since I’m too far to be there in person.

I remember how I felt after Mom’s funeral. The death of a loved one sucks a good part of our own life, too. I often wonder whether any of the guidelines for the after have actually ever been proved right, all those stages of grief and time healing everything. Or maybe we’re just expected to pull our shit together before we have hardly any time to mourn.

My hand goes to Mom’s engagement ring, hanging from the chain around my neck. Dad is worried I might lose it, but it’s comforting to have something of hers with me since she can’t be at my concerts. My throat constricts at the thought that before long, Dad won’t be able to watch them either. I press my fingers against the ring, hoping the metal digging in the flesh will distract me from the pain that seems unbearable. And just like that, my want to talk to Corrie becomes a need.

I last two days before I finally press the call button. When it keeps ringing, I wonder whether I should wait for the voicemail or simply hang up. But then she picks up, voice almost inaudibly low and my heart stops.

‘Corrie? Did I wake you up? I’m sorry, I got the time-zones messed up.’

‘Luuk? No, I’m just lying down, I’ve been feeling tired. It’s so good to hear your voice.’

‘I thought I’d check on you, see how you’re holding up.’

‘Taking it day by day, I guess. Won’t pretend it’s easy.’

‘Do you have someone with you? Just so that there’s a presence in the house. I remember Dad saying he was grateful he had me around after Mom died, otherwise the silence would have been deafening.’

‘I’m at my parents’, back in my old room. They refused to let me go back to Johan’s.’

It’s interesting that she doesn’t call that place home. ‘What’s it like to live with mama and papa again?’

She hums a laugh. ‘Scaringly easy. As a teenager, you long for adulthood, yet it takes a big slap from life to make you miss the nest.’

‘We go back to where we feel safe and welcome.’

‘Wise words from young lips.’

‘Is this reverse ageism?’ I pretend to take offence, when in reality, I’m delighted that we’re holding a conversation, giving the other glimpses of who we are.

‘On the contrary, it’s quite refreshing. Age doesn’t guarantee maturity. I had proof of that a couple days ago.’

‘Why? What happened?’

She tells me about the funeral and the way she was treated. The more she talks, the more furious I become. The more sense I try to make out of the situation, the less reason I find.

‘Why have Johan’s parents been so opposed to your relationship?’

She hauls a breath. ‘I thought it was because they had their plans for his future wife. But then his mother said something that made me wonder what version of the truth they had been given. Something along the lines of me manipulating him into coming back whenever he tried to leave, while it was the other way around. I would never…’

‘Corrie, you don’t have to explain, I believe you.’

‘Thank you. Sorry for my venting; it’s the downside of one being a good listener.’