Page 169

Ash

“Okay, okay, Bri. Yes, here, it’s your turn to talk to Auntie Shaina.” Ash tried not to grimace as he handed Bri the phone, shifting her carefully on his hip.

She immediately started talking, greeting Shaina with an enthusiastic “Hi!” before jumping straight into telling Shaina about her day. She talked and talked, barely stopping to breathe or to give Shaina any time to make sense of her babbling. It was adorable, as Bri always was. But Ash found himself feeling completely worn out, each step on their walk from the daycare center to home heavier and slower.

At least he wasn’t the one talking to Shaina right now. One more minute on the phone with her, and she’d have known just how not okay he was.

He definitely couldn’t fake it anymore.

Getting through his first day of summer school classes yesterday had been enough of a struggle. By all accounts, the day had been a success, including the half day of in-classroom fieldwork at the nearby elementary school he’d been assigned to for the summer; however, Ash had fought through every minute. He’d had to remind himself to focus, constantly pull himself back to the present and stop letting his mind wander. He’d had to force a smile, pretend he was okay, actively mask the deep sadness inside him.

He hadn’t slept last night, either, and so, today had been even worse. All day long, he’d felt like he’d been trudging through a thick, heavy fog. Chilled and hopeless.

So much like how he’d felt in the beginning, right after his sister’s death.

And now, he didn’t know what to do.

Cass’s late-night text message—nothing more than a heart emoji after days of ignoring Ash’s calls and texts—hadn’t helped much, especially because when Ash had tried calling this morning while on his walk to campus after dropping Bri off at daycare, he’d gotten no answer. Again.

He was hurt. Hurt and confused and completely heartbroken.

“Yay! Yes! I see you soon!” Bri declared, bouncing on Ash’s hip. “Un-ca Ash, we see Shaina soon!”

“Oh?” he said, forcing a smile as he rounded the corner and saw their apartment building a block or so down on their left.

“Yes! Shaina say yes!”

Ash laughed lightly. “Okay, well, why don’t you let me talk to her so I can see when she’ll be here?”

“Okay, yes, yes.” Bri nodded. “Bye-bye, see you soon!” she added into the phone before handing it back to Ash.

He took an extra second, trying to shove all of his worry and grief deep, deep down, and then he lifted the phone up to his ear. “So, what’s this about you visiting?”

“Yeah! That’s what I was going to mention before Bri stole your phone,” Shaina explained with a laugh. She sounded so upbeat and happy, and with a painful ache of longing, Ash suddenly wished she was here to hug him and tell him everything would be okay. “So,” she continued, “you know my summer classes for med school start midweek next week, which I’m half panicking about, by the way, and I was kinda planning to start studying a bit to get ahead. But Dad promised me I’m going to be fine and that I should really take my week off because if I don’t, I’m going to regret it later. Then he suggested I come up to see you and Grant and everyone for a few days. And it’s been a while, you know? I miss you. Is that okay? I know you have classes and stuff. But I could watch Bri, maybe take her to the zoo or the aquarium, and we could go hiking on the weekend. How does that sound?”

It sounded like exactly what he needed . . . assuming he didn’t completely break down before then.

“Yeah, totally. That works,” he replied, keeping his tone level. He paused under the awning outside of his building, and Bri squirmed a little in his arms, wanting to be set down. He bent over and lowered her feet gently to the ground, then took her hand to keep her close. “I wish I could talk more, but we just got home, and I have a ton of work to do before class tomorrow, so can I maybe call you back later?”

There was the slightest hesitation on the other end, and it was probably nothing; after all, Ash hadn’t given anything away. His stomach knotted up all the same.

“Sorry, Mom was texting me asking if she should buy the plane ticket,” Shaina said after another second. “Sure, yeah, call or text. And I’ll send you the flight details. I think I’ll be in Thursday, out the following Tuesday.”

“Perfect.” He swallowed and tightened his hand around Bri’s. “I can’t wait to see you, Shai,” he said quietly, unable to keep all of the emotion out of his voice this time. “I’ve missed you too.”

“You better have! It’s been too long. I can’t wait.”

They said their goodbyes and hung up, Ash promising again to text or call later when he had the chance. Shaina seemed none the wiser to his internal struggle, and he hoped he could keep it that way, at least until Thursday. He knew she’d see right through him the second they were together in person.

“Ready to go up, sweet girl?” he asked Bri, stuffing his phone back into his pocket without even bothering to check his texts. He had none, he was sure. Or no important ones, anyway.

Bri jumped up and down, grinning. “Yes! I hungry.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yes! We can have cake!”

Ash laughed and reached ahead of them to open the door to the lobby. “Is that so? Cake? For dinner?”